#Sam and Dean are together and relatively (for them) stable

[shirtlesssammy]

7x07: The Mentalists

Then:

Dean’s drinking professionally this season

Now:

At a seance, a couple inquire about their Uncle Danny. The woman is interested in knowing if he’s happy and with the family dog. 

The man wants to know where some important papers are located. The psychic seems in control at first, but when the lights flicker and the flames in the fireplace grow, she looks surprised. The planchette moves ALL on its own and the air gets frosty. Then the planchette impales itself in the psychic’s neck. 

Dean’s all alone and driving a crappy, stolen car after his bust up with his brother and the Leviathan’s making the Impala a wanted vehicle. He learns of deaths in Lily Dale, the most psychic town in America, and hits the road. 

At the crime scene, he finds all the tricks the psychic employed, and then heads to Good Graces Cafe.

It’s not his type of place, but he hears his brother’s voice. Sam’s in town too to investigate. Dean jumps right into his everything’s good and let’s work the case spiel, but Sam is not happy. 

Dean gives up the facade and tells Sam they might as well work together to get the case over with. A woman walks in and recognizes them. They convince her that they’re not the Winchesters, and then her dining partner comes up and recognizes them as FBI. They both express their shock at the deaths. The man introduces himself as a spoon bender. 

The brothers start looking at the victims. Dean notes that they both had the same necklace, possibly a cursed object. 

They head to interview Melanie, the granddaughter to one of the victims. They ask about the necklace, and she tells them all her things went to the emporium. They ask to see the necklace. 

And then they take it under the FBI pretense. The shop owner says it’s the Orb of Thesulah. Dean wonders what that is. Sam points out that it’s a fake --and a town of fakes. Shocking. 

That night, the man from the cafe pulls out his utensils to practice his craft. Suddenly they all stand on end and he gets whisked above them, only to fall to his death. 

The brothers check out the crime scene and learn the man had a vision of his own death. Dean then gets a call from Melanie, and they head to her house to talk. She tells them that her grandmother left her a voicemail message of her own coming death. When she mentions that the air got cold, the brothers tell her they’re dealing with a ghost. 

She does not believe them. 

They tell her their story. She needs a drink (and so does Dean.) 

Sam and Dean realize how difficult their situation is --fake and probably real psychics, ghosts, and a whole lot of confusion. They split up to canvas the town. 

Camille Thibodeaux, a friend of Melanie's, has a death vision. She calls Melanie, and her friend brings Dean. 

Camille tells him about her death vision. Dean cannily surveys the room and spots a security camera. Cut to later, where they watch her get attacked by an actual G-G-G-GHOST on the camera footage. Melanie remembers seeing a picture of the ghost in the museum. 

At the museum, the tour guide spins a little backstory towards us. Hooking into the “brothers rift” theme of Season 7, we hear about sibling fights in the psychic gallery PLUS one success story of two brothers who got along famously. “Of course, that was just a stage name. They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, um... alternative lifestyle.” Cut to a closeup of Dean.

They spot the Fox sisters’ portrait. One of the sisters (the ghost) was known for her death prophecies and telekinesis. The older sister, the museum guide reports, “didn't have her sister's charisma, but she looked after Kate. Sometimes, one's true gift is taking care of others.” Sometimes I watch these thesis statements on Dean and shriek at such a high pitch that I break every pane of glass in the gas station. Sam heads off to dig up some Fox sister skeletons, but the tour guide grabs Dean. “Do you know an Eleanor or an Ellen?”

“She seems quite concerned about you. She wants to tell you – pardon me – if you don't tell someone how bad it really is, she'll kick your ass from beyond. You have to trust someone again eventually.” ANYWAY. The tour guide fucks off and leaves both Dean AND myself shattered into a million pieces. 

Dean storms out moments later and demands that Sam treat him with a modicum of courtesy. Sam entrenches in his anger. When Dean defends his choice to kill Amy, he then also dredges up Sam’s best pal, Hallucifer as reason number one to coddle Sam.

Later at the cemetery, Dean stands watch while Sam digs up a grave. They wonder why the ghost is warning all the psychics before killing them. The ghost zooms up just as they’re about to salt and burn the body. She seems relatively stable for a murderous ghost and pleads with them to listen to her. WHY won’t anybody listen to her? GIRLFRIEND, I feel you.

Sam and Dean torch her and she flames out dramatically. Camille and Melanie celebrate the good news: the ghost is, uh, dead. Re-dead-ified? Back at Camille’s place, they pack a quick bag. The death omens start to spiral around poor Camille. The older Fox sister arrives as a desperate Melanie calls the Winchesters for help. Melanie ineffectually tosses an empty salt container at the spirit before watching her friend get killed before her eyes. UUUUGH.

Later, a grieving Melanie shoos the Winchesters out of her home, telling them that Margaret (the ghost) enjoyed killing her friend. That morning, they dig up Margaret’s grave. “I feel naked doing this in daylight,” Dean observes. Oh, sunshine. From the shadowed forest, something lurks. Unfortunately, nothing lurks in the actual grave. Margaret’s coffin lies empty. Later, Dean notices a flyer for an upcoming psychic festival. All the headliners featured in the poster are now all dead. Dean runs this theory by Melanie, who realizes that she’s the next logical successor to the Lilydale psychic throne.

Sam heads back to the thrift shop to pursue new necromancer leads while Dean tries to ghost proof Melanie. He surrounds her in a great big salt circle. (SALT HULA HOOP, I whisper in Dean’s ear.)

Sam bursts into the suspected necromancer’s house only to find a lamaze class. He and Dean realize that the pawn shop owner is the necromancer, trying to feed them false leads. This is all very useful, but it doesn’t help Melanie. Margaret shows up at the house ready to REDRUM. 

Breaking into the pawn shop owner’s house, Sam finds a spooky altar complete with a skull. The necromancer levels a gun at Sam. 

The ghost appears, blowing out Melanie’s windows. RUDE! They fight while the necromancer monologues over them, telling Sam that he’s a real psychic. He just doesn’t get top billing because he’s not that pretty or charismatic. 

Sam grows weary of the villain-splaining and shoots the necromancer. He then heads into the dude’s bedroom where he finds Margaret’s bones...in his bed. Welp. Good night, everybody!

After Sam torches the bones and saves Melanie, Dean gets the full recap at the psychic diner. 

For Dean and Flowers Science:

Sam bows out of the conversation when Melanie arrives. Dean desperately tries to minimize his feats of heroism. She thanks him anyway and they both circle around the mutual-attraction-imcompatible-lifestyles hole. Honestly, I am so firmly entrenched in the Cas endgame but WHY don’t I read more of Dean/Melanie in fics? She’s a cutie! And then we can have Shipper!Melanie too.

Dean leaves the diner to find that Sam’s moved his duffel to Dean’s car. Sam tells Dean that he understands why he killed Amy now. He ALSO tries to get Dean to admit that he’s swirling around the black hole of drinky drinky despair. Dean tells Sam that he killed Amy out of instinct - he didn’t trust her. “Ever since Cas, I’ve had a hard time trusting anybody.” GUH. Dagger to the heart.

They trundle off into the next episode. (GUYS, this was written by THE Acker and Blacker duo! I had no idea!)

Look Into the Crystal Quotes:

See, there’s fake woo woo crap. And there’s real woo woo crap

This is gonna be looking like a needle in a stack of fake needles

If you affirmate me, I’m gonna punch you in the face

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[jesslivesau]

jess au @iloveeverythingwaytoomuch

pre show jess: doesn't know anything except that sam told her some fucked up shit and she didn't really believe him much like amelia didn't believe jimmy but what's clear to her is that sam's upbringing was deeply fucked up in what might've been some kind of apocalypse doomsday cult and she can say "sam, it wasn't real" as much as she can til she's blue in the face but it isn't going to change the fact that sam is Deeply Fucked Up by Shit. and it upsets her and confuses her but he does a good job of setting it aside or knowing when to give in and he's such a sweet and Loving Dude otherwise so she just files it away in her bf trauma bank and keeps cheering him on

s1 jess: your bf's CRAZY brother shows up says he needs help finding your bf's CRAZY dad who may or may not have been part of a doomsday cult and you say, bitch i watched the heaven's gate documentary there is NO WAY i'm letting you leave with him, but he's not gonna Stay cuz he insists it's just for one night (and his brother DOES seem relatively stable, like, as a person), so jess insists she'll go too. while she's in the back seat sam tells dean he told her everything dean's like lol. sure. you believe in ghosts, sweetheart? and jess is like no but i do believe that i'll kick your ass if we don't get home in time for sam's interview tomorrow morning. and then the whole white woman thing happens and she's like oh fuck it's REAL but they DO GO HOME and instead of jess dying on the ceiling there's like idk ghost mary on the ceiling or some shit and they NARROWLY escape the fire together andddd idk they can't go back to stanford cuz it's not safe and their apartment complex literally went up in flames. there’s a more complex reason here but idk what it is. maybe it was brady (demon brady) who died or something IDK LISTEN ITS JUST AN AU

anyway all of season 1 when they’re trying to track down john jess is the voice of reason asking why do they need john in the first place? And eventually sam is like listen we don’t need HIM but if he’s got research on where yellow eyes is, that’s what we need. and dean is mad about that and he’s mad at jess and they bicker like crazy. and sam sleeps on the floor because dean is like dude cmon. don’t make me sleep in the same room as you and your gf together. maybe meg gets replaced by meg possessing jess, and she doesn’t get thrown out the window so when they exorcise her she just needs a hospital and then she’ll be ok. and that would explain why she’s in the hospital and not there for the finale, but can meet up with sam & john & dean in the hospital after

s2 jess: sam is so consumed by grief and fear that jess is actually the first one to notice that dean’s spirit might still be still Around. i’m imagining a scene where sam is asleep next to dean’s bed and jess is awake, and she slowly looks around towards dean and you see ghost!dean Connecting with her for the first time

obviously, all the grief episodes keep happening. maybe jess got seriously hurt as well tbh so she goes back to her parents house to recover; there’s an episode where the boys go meet her parents and dean and sam’s Daddy Issues come out in full force. eventually jess is back and kicking ass and slowly getting along more with dean, partially perhaps because of dean’s Grief Response to john’s death, which is that all the anger and hate comes bubbling up, and jess is like i don’t fucking know this dude, but from what sam’s told me, i hate him, which is not something that sam is in a position to Deal With right now. things proceed pretty much along the course

i am considering now if jess could also be a special child. she also has some kind of psychic abilities but i’d have to choose something cool for her. anyway if she IS then that gets her in the town with sam in all hell breaks loose which i think is the best place for her during that arc? i know all the other special children supposedly had to die but maybe her psychic power was to go inviisble or something lmfao i don’t fucking know. anyway dean has his sad monologue but jess either (a) fully shuts down or (b) just goes STRAIGHT to hunt down whatever the fuck his name is. jake? leverage man? that would be dope actually. and then actually dean, sam, bobby, and ellen actually meet her at the hell’s gate

s3 jess: truly does not understand why they’re hunting. gets into arguments with the boys all the time about how this is pointless, if you’re not gonna try and save yourself then why can’t you just put it down and let yourself have this year?? and dean’s a little bit like you know what jessica that makes a lot of damn sense. but it makes sam mad and they argue a lot about it and jess probably takes off halfway through the season. maybe after malleus maleficarum? partly cuz that’s the ep where ruby more or less becomes part of the team and also when she confirms that she can’t save dean from hell. and i just feel like jess would be like i cannot.... Sit Here.... and watch you both drive yourself into the ground. dean, if you’re gonna die, sam’s coming after you. you knew that. you just didn’t want him to go first.

maybe dean hits her lmfao and sam screams at him for it and jess just Walks Away, tearfully

s4 jess: so jess bailed midway through s3, but when dean wakes up and starts making calls in that phonebooth, he calls bobby and bobby hangs up, so he calls jess. and she comes and gets him.

jess and sam are obviously not together anymore, but jess is totally civil with sam and even with ruby. she’s like we can work together, it’s fine, whatever. and this is the season where dean and jess really bond and become a good Team. and cas is just usually confused why jess is Around but eventually gets used to her. i’ve toyed with jess being jewish which would lend a good and also funny perspective to all the heaven and hell stuff

jess heard about hell first from dean, but not the specifics of the stuff that dean told sam, not until after on the head of a pin. she’s their Lore Expert on seals and is trying to identify as many of them as possible so they can put in place safeguards, and maybe that bumps her up against angel priorities for an episode. maybe we get an episode where cas has to Threaten her 00 and he can say something like sam and dean are important..... you are not. remember that. and then [flappy wings vanish]

uhhhh jess’s siren in the siren episode....... is just like a carbon copy of sam lmfao. which is extremely funny and sam and jess will both kind of awkwardly clear their throats and not address that. i guess jess is just fucking stuck with bobby during the finale because the point of her presence is that she’s so USELESS to both demons and angels

s5 jess:  i’d probably add in an early episode where her parents are killed, probably by demons because the demons know they can’t touch the winchesters due to angel shit but they can fuck up jess as much as they want. then when sam and dean temporarily split up jess would go with dean cuz she’s a hunter now and has nowhere else to go and it doesn’t feel right to just sit around with sam. or maybe she also leaves and splits up and doesn’t stick with dean cuz she’s processing her own traumatic shit. at any rate, early in the season there’s a moment where sam is Gone and dean and jess are drinking together and talking about their feelings and they have a moment where they gaze at each other in the eyes and almost lean towards each other.... then jess goes you know what? this is fucking weird and dean is like oh thank god you said that absolutely this is too weird

in The End, it’s revealed that jess was killed and no one will tell dean more information or talk about her until he finds out that she was pregnant when she was killed (presumably with sammifer’s baby)

in changing channels they get put into a telenovela and sam and jess have an tearful emotionally charged confession scene in spanish. this is about when sam and jess finally get back together [cue cheering]

in the chuck eps it’s revealed chuck rewrote it so that jess died on the ceiling in the first book cuz he was like “i just didn’t think it made sense for her to be alive! it was literary symmetry that’s all!”

in sam, interrupted when sam is all high on meds that’s when he says lots of kooky sweet shit to jess about wanting to MARRY her and have a FAMILY together and it’s sweet and also dean throws up in his mouth a little bit having to hear it

in my bloody valentine the thing that jess is hungry for is Family but i do not know the logistics of how

in dark side of the moon jess does die with the boys but it takes a while to find her, tho they eventually do in one of sam’s favorite memories (probably from the first time they met or something). she’s like what the fuck i’m jewish

no, i have no clue how she factors into swan song. she just does, ok. lucifer can snap her neck along with bobby’s

s6 jess: she tried to check in with dean occasionally at the braedens, and actually had dinner with them once but started checking in less and less as the year went on, and it turns out she knew that sam was back and she’d been hunting with him + the campbells and a couple things

when dean finds out he is truly FURIOUS, but jess is like dean i saw you with lisa and ben! i saw you getting better! i saw you happy, i saw you ok, and hell i’ve only known you since you showed up in palo alto five years ago but it was the most at peace i’ve ever seen you, and i couldn’t take that away from you, and neither could sam.

she’s also like yes, dean, he’s different, he’s colder, it makes me sad but who was the one who put up with YOU when you were spiralling after your dad’s death? or when you were all buttoned up after you came back from hell? he did! so show him a god damn OUNCE of empathy, would you!

and when they find out he’s soulless jess is like. hm. and dean is like i TOLD you there was something wrong with him!!! and jess is like i mean.... yeah....... and maybe i didn’t really want to admit it... cuz.... the sex was So good.........

[soulless sam winks at her]

anyway, s6 happens the way it happens and that’s fine

s7: the only important thing that happens in s7 is that Season Seven, It’s Time For a Wedding! is actually about some sort of monster and the only way to kill it is to cast a spell but the spell must be cast by “two warriors joined before god” which means married and cas is awkward about it cuz he doesn’t want to Presume Anything 

and the whole episode is lots of sam and jess being like “i mean, of course, if you want to..... .like, but if you DON’T, that’s also totally fine, of course.... you know.... whatever you’re comfortable with” until finally they’re in the final battle and cas has to marry them the way barbossa does for will and elizabeth in potc and when dean is pinned against the wall by the monster he goes “DAMMIT JESS WILL YOU KISS MY BROTHER ALREADY” and then sam dips jess in a kiss and the monster is instantly obliterated [heart eyes]

i truly genuinely do not remember anything that happens in s7. anyway jess and sam are married now

s8: sam was with jess the whole year dean was in purgatory. they were struggling to get back to normal life after everything. dean is still fucking mad that sam didn’t go looking for him. i assume everything else goes pretty much according to whatever the fuck happened in s8 except jess at one point has to go to bat for benny cuz sam for some reason hates him so much

i’ve been toying with the idea of jess doing the trials not sam but i mean how can i take that away from my Boy

s9: i do not know anything that happened in this season ):

s10: see above

s11: see above

s12: now i never watched s12, but in this au there is no lucifer’s son jack. instead jess gets pregnant midway through the season; cas finds out first because he can sense it and he’s like why does it feel like there’s an extra being in the bunker, and then he spills to dean cuz he can’t keep a secret, and then dean is like “oh shit what are you gonna do” and jess is like well!!!! sam and i.... talked about this. we were.....open to the possibility. and dean is like wtf how could u possibly bring a child into this world that’s fucked up adn cas is like [wipes tear] that’s beautiful

anyway when they come back from some kind of hunt (probably something that involved claire) and sam and jess are in the bunker, sam goes “jess, seeing claire, seeing jody and the girls.... it makes me think.... i wanna have a family with you” and jess hugs him and then cas walks into the bunker with dean and is like “oh, have you told him about the baby?” and everyone SCREAMS at him

and cas uses his annual miracle allowance to just reverse time about 30 seconds so when he enters the bunker he just goes “i have nothing to say” and Fucking Leaves

the baby is born in the back of the impala in the s12 finale, on the way to the hospital. dean is devastated. he’ll have to reupholster the WHOLE THING. sam accidentally names the baby john but they don’t want to tell dean that so they decide to call him jack.

s13-15 gets to be mostly about how cute it is to have a wittle baby in the bunker. cas is the best babysitter because he loves babies and is very powerful so he can protect him. the occultum nonsense in s15 can be about finding a Safe Place for baby jack, no matter what happens to the rest of the world. sam tells jess, you go with him, you’ll be safe there. dean tells sam, you go with them, you’ll be safe there. all of that good good cute family stuff. was it the best idea to have a baby in the middle of constant apocalypses? maybe not, but like, they are ALWAYS in constant apocalypses, so at some point you just have to bite the bullet

anyway. please clap

[naruhearts]

14x18 First Watch Thoughts: Mary Winchester the Mirror, TFW and Destiel

**FLAILS**

My thoughts are practically incoherent because I’m having BIG FEELS right now...VERY big feels re: TFW/Destiel narratives.

I am SUPER glad Berens was the one who penned Mary’s death!! The episode was just well-done all around from start to finish and intensely executed, with the proper solid balance of angst, emotional insight from the characters placed inside Mary’s cathartic contextual role, and the consistent reiteration of Mary as TFW’s overall Parental Catharsis in 14x18′s storytelling (and S12-14′s whole parental premise in conjunction with John Winchester’s ghost). 

Mary was portrayed as the singular contrasting foil to TFW’s individual and combined arcs. Absence was, obviously, a core theme, with Mary’s absence -- her death -- playing out as A. familial purpose (accountability and her death as the impetus to work together --> forgive each other, forgive yourself), B. self-purpose (self-realization via Jack: what did I do? Why did I do it? Why do we do things?), and C. romantic purpose on the Dean/Cas front. 

Let me explain C. -- well, WE BEEN KNEW. The metasphere wrote about this (my post x).

x

Dean was HEAVILY subtextually framed as the angry spouse undergoing a rough patch with Cas over Mary’s death  (the tension, juxtaposed by sad orchestral strings and soft lighting, Dean lashing out at Cas, romantic framing via Dean’s back turned to Cas, their interactions holding frustration yet still underpinned by certain tenderness etc *sighhhhh*) and Dean continuing down the route of giving Cas, not Sam, frosty shoulders -- emphasized by the romantic visual framing of space between them e.g. Sam preventing Cas from comforting Dean during Mary’s funeral, backs again facing each other, Dean and Cas interacting sparsely, Dean bitter and disengaged, Cas longing for forgiveness from Dean, Sam as the overt brother caught in the middle as he embodies the role of mediator and stable thinker for both of them etc -- just strengthens my belief that Destiel is going to experience another (hopefully) intense romance-coded confrontation as intense as the one they had in the cabin -- one that leads up to a lover’s make-up or some kind of emotional breakthrough/realization which has Cas happy enough to be taken by the Empty (remember, DEAN STILL DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT CAS’ DEAL. Cas’ life to save his son’s life, harking back to Dean’s own fatherly self-sacrificial deal by saying Yes to Michael. He is utterly unaware that he’ll lose Cas) and it’s a double punch here, because Dean will realize how stupid he is for not appreciating Cas -- more accurately, trying to be mutually transparent and honest with him (he has, though, and he’s made leaps and bounds) before it’s too late but failing (final regression before progression). He does appreciate Cas, and Cas means more to him than anyone could ever describe *points at his Mind!Bar 14x10* yet their love languages still don’t align. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, DEAN! 14x19 is written by BL so I additionally hope the D/C subtext from this point onwards works in our favour!!

As I said in above and in my liveblog posts, a summary: 

The differences in Dean’s grieving are a COMPLETE visual comparison to 12x23, complete with overhead 📸 shots and differing funeral pyre scenes: when he grieved over Cas, he was alone, kneeling on the ground, and was blatantly numb/emotionally incapacitated – Dean mourned the loss of his lover. When he’s grieving Mary, Sam is by his side. Brothers mourning the loss of their mother. Romantic vs familial.

Overt romance-coded parallels with Sam/Rowena keeping constant contact just like Dean/Cas do both offscreen and onscreen

Sam telling Dean IT WASN’T JUST CAS and his own emotional pull in this ep as expressing accountability for TFW’s actions in general – besides internalizing/talking about the self-guilt, shame, and the inevitable pain of losing people despite saving people (also re: the 🔑 theme of doing the wrong, stupid thing for the right reasons) -- was character development on a marvelous scale. Dean was enlightened and began to admit it himself. Honest, open words. Dean and Cas should learn from him!!

 Cas was absolutely humanized, subsuming the Winchester Way of Bringing Family Back, and he additionally evoked honesty/an emotional justification while admitting his mistakes and again representing FAITH: faith in Jack narratively linked to FAITH IN HIMSELF and the season-long theme of believing there’s another way -- in believing that good things shall come. As he appropriately told Anael last episode -- loneliness is a construct misconstrued by her; not being in one’s physical presence doesn’t mean they aren’t there -- they are there. They are there for you. Narrative symmetry with 14x17′s presence of emotional acknowledgement despite physical absence re: God (and TFW; just because Cas wasn’t with the Winchesters did not mean he loved them any less) vs 14x18′s absence of full-frontal communication despite physical presence re: Dean and Cas/TFW (being physically present also entails being emotionally present through HONESTY). Berens interlinked the subtext. Negative spaces are being filled. And there’s also an Evil/dark dimension added to this Presence vs Absence commentary: Lucifer’s a visage in Jack’s mind, just like Sam. Jack’s soullessness has come to a psychological crux. He’s teeter-tottering – tried desperately to bring Mary back, and now he might have fucked up the natural order (if BTS pics of zombies in 14x20 is linked to this).  Furthermore:

(*clutches chest* There’s the heartbreaking spousal-coded visual narrative.)

Oh, Cas...Jack is BOTH good and evil. This is the intrinsic dualism of human nature. It’s what makes Jack human. And goodness involves badness. 

CAS: [Jack] was good for us. Indeed, we know he was. The unhealthily-codependent-abusive notion of family TFW used to possess (where their overarching parental issues -- Chuck’s absence, John’s abuse and Mary’s absence -- crippled their early formative growth, extending into decades) was deconstructed and rebuilt in healthier ways. Being a parent to Jack offset their true capabilities/qualities: FAITH (Cas), HOPE (Sam), and LOVE (Dean), alongside all the stickiness that came with his birth. By direct association, Cas learned (is learning) how to believe in himself. Sam learned (is learning) how to hope in himself. Dean learned (is learning) how to love himself. Mental/emotional release from their internal chains took place (will come to its final culmination in S15). In other words, Jack the Unifying TFW Mirror -- like Mary -- was the great interpersonal conduit for (a Jesus-figure-representation) honesty, appreciation (spending time with your loved ones), positive vs negative self-process, and self-awareness. Keep in mind that Jack has characteristically taken the place of Dean, Cas and Sam’s own dark arcs (Soulless!Sam, in particular) with what looks like a Godstiel mirror in 14x19 -- he’s literally becoming textualized as TFW’s mirror -- and, like his parents, he is going to make his independent (wayward) choices and question the primacy of human nature: good, evil, and the grey in-between. Will he listen to his head or his heart?  Most of all, Jack taught them that HuntingTM is filled with pain, horror, and death, but genuine purpose lies beyond it. The lives they live are also innumerably interlinked with joy and happiness. These positive things aren’t as sparse as they think: they have each other.

Mary Winchester is ⚰️ and resides in Heaven (her death successfully made me emotional and packed a deep personal punch; the black and white flashbacks interspersed throughout 14x18 relative to Mary’s influence on TFW was A++). She disappeared right when TFW’s arcs came together to display character progression. Her purpose – pushing TFW to engage in self-introspection, personal growth, and honesty with the Self and others – is done.

Mary, the Cas mirror, carved M.W. into the table with S.W and D.W. You know who should be next, right? CASTIEL W. (and Jack W.) (recall that in 14x17, Mary relayed to Dean that she treasured and enjoyed her time with him and Sam -- channeling Cas’ 14x12 farewell speech. Mary has always embodied LOVE, both romantic and familial, with the great virtue of honesty, and Dean, by proxy, has been telling his family he loves them. Again, who is the next family member he’ll say I LOVE YOU to? What do Dean and Cas WANT? Time to answer this question!!)

WE HAVE COME FULL CIRCLE. Narrative cyclism, y’all. Mary and John Winchester are finally at ✌️, and by so doing, TFW will experience emotional/personal/psychological ✌️ as they leave their past behind to create their own optimistic self-actualized future. THERE’LL BE GENUINE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DONE.

TFW MUST TALK

I mean, I’ll probably reblog this with new thoughts during the next few days, but yes, ENDGAME’S UPON US, and all the extensive meta regarding Dabb Era Love and...Love, Unity, Family, Honesty, the centrality of interpersonal relationships and Reconciliation of the Past & Future since Season New Beginnings 12/13 over Season Who Am I 14 should be realized in the final two ANGST-filled eps. TL;DR a gigantic multilayered soup of character-positive/relationship growth-positive meta coming to fruition for the main plot.

Berens has killed us all. 14x18 is one of my favourite Emotion-centric episodes yet!

RATING: 10/10

Thank you for reading my sloppier-than-usual word-vomit!

[dotthings]

SPN 2.20 and SPN 14.10

Rewatched SPN 2.20 What Is and What Should Never Be with SPN 14.10 in mind, because I wanted to look at how the characters have grown and changed, how Dean’s real life has changed, and what has changed in the show’s overall theme. Oh and if you want your heart absolutely shredded, look back at Dean in 2.20.

First let’s talk about this idea of happiness. 

Because S14 has a major theme about “what do you want” and not just contentment. It’s what do you really want. Can they have they want while still being in the life? White picket fence isn’t presented as the ideal on SPN any more, now it’s more about finding happiness while saving people, hunting things, but different ways to hunt that maybe don’t involve so much letting yourself get torn to shreds, without so much isolation. Happiness can be found within what’s already there. All that is at work in 14.10. Dean’s contentment place was still in the life, Sam and Cas are out hunting, Dean hasn’t totally stopped his hunting ways but he mostly is focusing on his bar. Pamela asks “why do you always want what you can’t have.” But it’s notable that Dean’s contentment space is still connected to the sources of his trauma, the sources of pain he expressed about it back in 2.20. Not a complete opposite to the life he actually leads like the djinn-world of 2.20. Rocky’s Bar instead is a feasible scenario outcome for Dean’s actual life. One reason the djinn-world in 2.20 didn’t hold up for Dean was it was too different from his actual life.

2.20 touchstones several times on the concept of “happiness.”

Dean says in the djinn-world, “It’s like my old life is coming after me...it doesn’t want me to be happy.”

Dean, mimicking John, says “Your happiness, for all those people’s lives, no contest.”

On the subject of relative safety and contentment, Djinn-world Mary tells Dean, trying to persuade him to stay, “it doesn’t matter. It’s still better than anything you’ve had.”

Which connects to Dean in 14.10 saying about Rocky’s Bar that he never had anything this good.

In 2.20, his djinn-world family pleads with him to stay with them, offering safety, peace. Begging him not to go back to the real world.

In 14.10, real Cas pleads with Dean to come back to the real world. “The people in your real life...we need you to come back.” Real Sam drops the code word “Poughkeepsie” which sets off Dean remembering all that’s really happened.

2.20 Dean shakes himself out of the dream by stabbing himself with a knife and that moment coincides with real Sam shouting real Dean’s name. Sam credits Dean with bringing himself out of it, and oh look, it’s the concept of strong Dean that gets repeated many times in 14.10 -- “I’m glad you got yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn’t have had the strength.” I do wonder if Sam finding real Dean, calling to him, translated to the knife in the djinn-world, that Dean subconsciously heard it and it helped him reject the djinn-world family’s pleas. Or it may have been all Dean and Sam was there for the moment Dean wakes up.

2.20 djinn-world was much more about Dean’s family being happy, mostly Sam being happy, than about Dean finding all he wants, and that is a very season 2 Dean thing to do. He has some of what he, himself wants, in djinn-world but it’s an imperfect life. He doesn’t get along with Sam. John is still dead (but he died peacefully, after a peaceful life). Djinn-world Dean isn’t like our real world Dean, he’s not a horrible person but he emerges as someone a bit selfish, aimless, drinks too much, unreliable, wronged his little brother quite a few times as they grew up. Which is a tragic comment on what maybe Dean thinks he’d be if he didn’t hunt--instead of realizing all the things Dean is on his own merit, outside of hunting. John raised him to believe his only value was to watch after Sam, and be a hunter. And on what Dean thinks his relationship with Sam would be if they weren’t hunters. 

By 2.20, Dean never had a chance to think much about what else interested him or pursue it, either in or outside the life. the djinn-world in 2.20 is starkly different than Dean’s actual life. As I pointed out above, this makes Michael more dangerous and more clever than a djinn. Rocky’s Bar is similar to Dean’s life, it’s plausible, while the 2.20 djinn-world is so wildly different it keeps Dean off-balance instead of placated.

Season 14 Dean has had more opportunity to think about who he is and what he wants and understand he isn’t just dad’s “blunt instrument.” S14 Dean more than S2 Dean is maybe developing an awareness he is more than he thinks he is, that he is more than just one thing, more than what John put on him, and that it’s not impossible to integrate some of his wants into the hunting life.

2.20 is, primarily, Dean’s Gesthemane, that is the main A plot point of the ep and there is no room for happiness in order to follow the duty of saving all those lives, and Dean makes the right choice. For one thing, letting himself be a blood juice-box for a djinn isn’t any kind of life, and he chooses to return to the pain rather than life in what’s effectively a drug-haze while his body gets destroyed. For another, yes, he and Sam have saved many lives and they are needed in the real world.

By S14, SPN is looking at a less harsh dichotomy. Is it necessary to completely give up all happiness, and disregard all safety, in order to stay in the life. S14 is showing new ways to hunt. It’s showing less isolation for Sam and Dean. The ideal in SPN is no longer limited to the white picket fence, it’s more about finding happiness within what you have, without rejecting all that you’ve done and who you are. It’s the good and the bad, reconciled. Sam and Dean are still in the life but they don’t live out of seedy hotel rooms. They have a stable home base, they have an expanded family, the concept of Cas as a significant other already right under Dean’s nose continues to thump on the door of its closet demanding to be let out, while Sam and Dean and Cas have adopted a son. 

The idea of finding your bliss, of achieving happiness, doesn’t always involve running away or rejecting the life you’ve got and all the people in it. Sometimes in life it does, but not always. 

Another thing about 2.20, in the end Sam tells Dean “it hurts like hell, but it’s worth it” and the ep ends on Dean’s troubled face. While leaving Sam behind would be unthinkable, I am struck by the bleakness that surrounds Sam and Dean, together, in 2.20 and the bleakness of what Dean returns to. Dean has Sam...and that’s the only source of comfort he’s got at that point. In 14.10, there’s a lot more sense that Dean is returning to a whole life he’s got there, it’s not just him and Sam clinging to each other in a life-raft surrounded by sharks and they are out of food and water and are down to one flare left. It’s not that they have literally no one else in 2.20. They have Bobby. John’s dead. The Harvelles are out there, but the Harvelles are not integrated, daily, into Sam and Dean’s lives like the extended family with Cas and Jack they have now. S2 just doesn’t have the same kind of arcing about extended family as the show has now. It always mattered, but the landscape now is different.

Relevant here also is Sam’s arc over the past few seasons which has been about his acceptance that this is his life, that he doesn’t need to run from it, and his opportunity to use his own specific skills more fully, to find better methods of hunting, and maybe save more hunter lives and keep his own family safer without it meaning rejecting the hunting life wholesale. Sam ran for a long time. He kept trying to reject it. Dean kept taking it on. 

But hunting isn’t what makes Dean happy. It gives him a sense of purpose and I don’t think he wants to stop but it isn’t what makes him happy. Saying hunting makes him happy and so that’s all he should ever do and ever be is a severely limited view of the character and it’s certainly not what canon has been exploring with Dean for 14 seasons now. But within that job, that purpose...S14 era SPN moves things to where Dean can think about what he wants and see about getting it. It’s at least on the table. 2.20...that can never be.

[hannahindie]

At the End of All Things: Chapter 4

Characters: Dean Winchester x Jo Harvelle, Sam Winchester x Amelia Richardson, Bobby Singer x Ellen Harvelle, Cas, Ash, Garth Fitzgerald, Daryl Dixon, Aaron, Rick Grimes

Word Count: 3,222

Warnings: Some language, injury, Amelia being...well...Amelia.

A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I think it’s because they’re finally on the road and the pace is picking up, but it’s been exciting to write. If you aren’t caught up, you can find Chapter 1 here, Chapter 2 here, and Chapter 3 here. This chapter was beta’d by two wonderful and magnificent ladies that I would be lost without: @pinknerdpanda: “ gah...don't be a pussy, Sam!”

And @wheresthekillswitch: “fucking Amelia. I vote she becomes walker bait.”

Just an FYI, if you live in or near any of the areas that I mention while they’re on their journey, just know that I researched as well as I could, but it’s possible I took some liberties with it. They are all real places, however, and actually on a route that they’d feasibly be taking if driving from somewhere in Columbus to D.C.

Summary: Dean’s group has hit the road, and despite the situation, things seem to be going well...until they hit a snag that none of them were expecting. The incident changes their plans, and the tension grows. Meanwhile, someone is watching the group. Will they leave them alone, or will Dean and Sam have to protect their family from something more deadly than the dead...the living?

As usual, tags are at the bottom. If you’d like to be tagged in this, or any of my other writing, please let me know!

The group traveled through the forsaken landscape slowly, but surely. It was a difficult road; cars blocked long stretches of the cracked asphalt, so they often had to stop and move the rusting and broken down metal behemoths, reminders of what the world had looked like before it came to a screeching halt. The drive from Columbus, Ohio to Washington, D.C., according to the worn map that Sam had been consulting, should have been just a little under seven hours. Seven hours in their new world could stretch into days, and by the end of their first day, Dean had stopped their caravan just outside of Wheeling. He had been optimistic, and although everyone was tired from having to shift cars to the shoulder of the road, killing those that had been trapped in their steel coffins, and searching for anything that would be helpful that had been left behind, it seemed that everyone’s spirits were high. Despite the dangers of traveling across open territory, Dean had been relieved to finally be free of the walls that they’d been living behind for years. He knew that the walls kept them safe, probably safer than he and Sam had been their entire lives, but he had missed cruising along back roads with the windows down and Zeppelin blasting. It was amazing that their lives from before the turn seemed so simple compared to now.

That feeling ended as soon as they hit West Brownsville the next day, and Dean quickly realized that the things they took for granted could easily be the things that got them killed.

The stark contrast of the scene in front of Dean was almost painful. The morning had welcomed him with one of the most beautiful sunrises he had seen in a long time; the sky had looked like a watercolor painting. Muted oranges and bright yellows against a bright blue horizon that was scattered with deep purple and pink clouds that reminded him of the cotton candy he would buy for Sam at carnivals when John had left them on their own as kids. He had been awake before anyone else, and had marveled at the juxtaposition of colors for almost an hour before Jo sleepily shuffled from the car and looped her arm through his. He wished he had the words to really describe to her what he’d been looking at, but that was more Sam’s bag. Instead, he’d pulled her tighter into his side and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. After a quick breakfast, they’d all piled back into their cars and continued their journey, and Dean’s optimism had soared when they didn’t have to stop every ten minutes to clear the road.

And then they came across West Brownsville.

The small town had welcomed them with its aging, brownstone buildings, remnants of old store signs painted on their sides, and narrow streets still lined with rusting meters. Although Sam was in the other car, Dean knew that he was loving every minute of this historic, ‘blink and you’d miss it’ city. They drove slowly down the main drag, and Dean couldn’t help but appreciate the old architecture that had withstood not only the years of weather but the lack of care as the dead slowly outnumbered the living and there was no one left to give it the love the old buildings deserved.

It had been surreal to see the random walkers as they stumbled out of alleys at the sound of the cars, even after all this time. After the turn, it seemed all the supernatural things that they had hunted had just...disappeared. He was sure that wasn’t the case, and driving through this town reminded him that just because he couldn’t see them, didn’t meant they weren’t still there. The dead may have taken over, but this was a literal ghost town. A shiver passed through him and he wondered if Sam had felt it too.

Because the roads had been relatively clear between Wheeling and West Brownsville, it had only taken about an hour to arrive. Although the colors had somewhat dimmed as the sun rose, the sky was still a magnificent stripe of color and Dean could see the sparkle of water as the sun reflected off of it. The Monongahela River wound its way lazily between West Brownsville and its sister city, splitting the two in half, which had led the group to the bridge that connected the two. Dean had immediately slammed on his brakes as the scene he most dreaded unfolded in front of him.

That was how he found himself standing where the watercolor sky met sharp metal and broken asphalt, the rebar jutting out like jagged teeth begging to be fed. At some point, the bridge had collapsed, and the road slanted down at an awkward angle, ending in the water and balancing precariously against several cars that had gone down with it. His eyes roamed over the ruined bridge as he looked for the cause of the destruction. There did not appear to be any singular reason; if anything, it was simply time and lack of care. He could see where the river had risen significantly, the mud line still visible, and Dean assumed the combination of weather, the weight of the cars, and the general disuse of the bridge had caused the collapse.

“Well…this is not ideal.” Dean jumped at the sudden sound of Cas’ voice and looked at him sharply.

“No, Cas, it’s not.” He looked back at the slow moving water and wondered how deep it was. “Think there’s another bridge around here anywhere?”

Cas shrugged, “I do not know. I would imagine there probably is, but how far are we going to have to go to find it? Not to mention, this is a pretty large bridge, so my assumption would be any other crossings nearby would be smaller. If this one is gone, there is a huge chance any other bridges of smaller stature would be destroyed as well.”

Dean tilted his head back and closed his eyes as he tried to keep it together. They could look for other bridges, they could find another way around, but the longer they stayed outside their walls, the likelihood of them making it to D.C. and back with everyone alive, and well, dropped. “What the hell are we going to do?”

“We could take a car and drive a few minutes each direction, see if any of the bridges did survive and meet back here. We could also ask Ash and Garth how they got past this, and give them something of use to talk about. If I thought my father was still around, I’d pray to him and beg for either them to be stricken silent, or for me to spontaneously become deaf.” Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out a battered orange bottle, tapped out a couple of pills, and popped them into his mouth.

Dean rolled his eyes, “Is that really necessary right now? Can you just...not be high?”

Cas smirked, “I mean, I could. But where is the fun in that?” He sauntered off to tell the rest of the group the plan, and left Dean staring dejectedly at the rubble.

While Sam and Cas drove in opposite directions, they had decided on a ten minute drive out and then back along the river, Dean was talking to Garth and Ash about their trip towards D.C.

“So you came this way and everything was fine? The bridge was still here, nothing seemed off?”

Ash shrugged, “Nah, man. I mean, it’s been weeks since we went this way, but that bridge was as fit as a fiddle when we crossed it.” Garth grimaced and Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Do you not agree with him, Garth?” Dean asked.

“Well...I somewhat do. The bridge was here and mostly intact, but it didn’t seem super stable. I didn’t mention it because I honestly thought it would be okay, but I forgot about the big storm that passed through. If it hadn’t been for that, I think it would still be standing. We probably would have needed to be careful, but it would have been here. Since we came back a different way, I didn’t even think about it. Sorry, Dean.”

Dean clapped Garth on the shoulder, “It’s fine, Garth. I think despite it being the end of the world, we still kind of take things for granted...this isn’t an exception.” He looked up at the sound of Sam and Cas returning, and tried not to feel too much hope that they found anything. Sam stepped down out of his truck, and Dean looked at him expectantly. Sam frowned and shook his head, then walked over to where Bobby and Ellen were still looking at the map that was unfolded across the trunk of their car. Dean turned his attention to Cas who also shook his head.

“Dammit!” He walked briskly to where Sam was leaning against the car, both palms flat on the hood as he stared intently at the map. “Tell me you have an idea.”

Sam stood straight and swept the hair from his face, “I have an idea. But I don't think you're going to like it.”

Dean grunted, “Try me.”

Sam grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him to the edge of the bridge. “Do you notice anything about this river?”

Dean shook his head, “Other than it's in my damn way, no. I don't.”

Sam sighed, “Look. Really look at it.”

“Sam, we don't have time-”

“Okay, fine. It's moving slow and it's not that deep, considering the amount of rain, right? Clearly it flooded, but I think that it's at it's normal level right now. Do you agree?”

“Yea, but what's that got to do with anything?”

“There is a series of locks and dams just a few miles east of here. Which means, at its normal levels, this river is kept at a minimum of nine feet. We don't have to take the cars, we can just cross here on foot and find cars on the other side.”

Dean looked at Sam like he'd grown a second head, “Are you serious right now? Have you seen those riverbanks? This side is fairly low, but the other side...we've got Bobby and Ellen to worry about, and Jo...Jo is five months pregnant. She can't climb that. Plus, even if it's at it's lowest, nine feet is still really deep.”

Sam gave an exasperated sigh, “I never said anything about climbing the river bank, or swimming across.” He pointed towards the middle of the river, just below where the bridge had collapsed. “The angle of the bridge is doable, Dean. We can walk down the bridge, and hop the cars across to the other side. It won't be a cakewalk, but I think it will work.” He looked at Dean, his expression hopeful, and Dean looked back out over what was left of the bridge.

Sam wasn't wrong. Luck had been with them somewhat; the cars appeared to be lined up and at just the right angles that it could work. The sloped piece of the bridge was a little steep, but if they were careful…

“Let's do it. Unpack what we can carry from the cars. We’ll come back for them.” He whistled to get everyone's attention, “I need everyone over here, we've got a plan.”

Dean watched as Cas, Garth, and Ash slowly navigated the steep section of broken concrete and asphalt. Aside from a few small slips, all three of them made it down and halfway across the bridge of cars.

Ash turned around and waved, “These cars are jammed tighter than a nun’s knees, man! They ain’t goin’ anywhere, c’mon!” He shouted through cupped hands. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Dean had to chuckle.

“Make it all the way across and maybe I'll believe you!” He shouted back. It occurred to him briefly that yelling probably wasn't a great idea, but it was too late now. Ash flipped him off, but hopped down to the next car. Cas and Garth followed close behind, and within a couple minutes, all three of them had scuttled up the slight embankment from the last car safely. He turned to Bobby, “Alright, old man, your turn.”

Bobby glared at Dean, “If you don't stop callin’ me old man, I'm gonna kick your ass, boy.”

Ellen grabbed Bobby’s hand and tugged him to the edge of the pavement where it sloped down, “Why don't we get our happy asses across this river first, and then you boys can settle it, huh? I've had about enough of West Brownsville.” Bobby grumbled all the way down but both he and Ellen made quick work of it, and Dean was surprised by how easily they passed over the cars. He breathed a sigh of relief and made a mental note to quit teasing Bobby for being older. He moved better than Dean did.

“Alright Sammy, I think the four of us can go at once. You take the lead, and I’ll cover the rear. Girls, in the middle.” Amelia gripped Sam’s hand tightly as they made their way down the chunk of concrete but made no effort to steady Jo. Dean frowned, but Jo just shook her head, and gently shuffled her feet as she descended to the car. Sam hopped across the gap and helped Amelia, then shifted so that he could help Jo across. Dean couldn’t help but notice the jealous glare that Amelia shot at Jo as Sam lifted her from the asphalt slab and onto the roof of the car. Dean and Amelia locked eyes and she gave him a tight lipped smile, but it was too late; Dean had already seen her shoot daggers at both Sam and Jo. He hurried across the gap and Sam once again took the lead, carefully stepping over exposed steel and concrete slabs and testing out footing before having the others follow him.

Just as they got to the second to last car, Amelia screamed. Somewhere between the separate groups stomping their way across the cars, a lone biter had managed to wriggle free from its watery grave and had grabbed Amelia by the ankle. As she pulled backwards, she began to pinwheel her arms in an attempt to keep her balance. Jo tried to step back, but because they were already crowded together on a small hood, she lost her balance and slipped between two of the cars, her leg jamming between the bumpers.

“Jo!” Dean dropped to his knees on the car he was still standing on and pulled her back up and onto the trunk, “Are you okay?! Fucking hell, Amelia, what was that?!” Sam had whipped around with his machete and cut the walker’s hand off Amelia’s ankle, then had delivered the final blow to its skull. He was now comforting Amelia who had collapsed into sobs.

“I didn’t mean to! It grabbed me and I thought it was going to bite me!” Amelia wailed as she clung to Sam tightly.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Dean, it’s okay. I’m fine.” Jo grimaced as she stood, and Dean saw that her jeans had ripped and blood was soaking the light denim.

“You’re not fine, look at your leg. Can you walk on it?”

Jo nodded, “Yes, it’s fine. Let’s just get to the other side, okay?” Dean opened his mouth to say something else to Amelia, but between Jo putting a hand on his chest and Sam looking at him pleadingly, he snapped it shut.  

They made it the rest of the way without incident, and Jo sat heavily in the grass. Ellen rushed over and knelt next to her daughter as Dean pulled her pants leg from her calf. An ugly gash ran down her leg, and it was deep enough that it needed stitches. “Shit, Jo...I have to stitch this. Ellen, can you get in Sam’s bag and get the whiskey and the first aid kit?” Sam swung his bag from his shoulder and handed it to Ellen.

She sat next to Jo and watched as Dean got out what he needed. Jo grabbed her hand, and Ellen gripped Jo’s tightly. “What the hell happened out there?”

Jo grimaced, “Nothing anyone had any control over. There was a walker in the water that jostled loose as everyone crossed, and it grabbed Amelia. There wasn’t much room and I slipped. So see, it’s fine. At least I didn’t get bit.”

Dean grunted, “If someone didn’t act like a damn baby, you wouldn’t have fallen. I knew it was a mistake bringing her. If it had been any worse than this-”

“But it wasn’t,” Jo interrupted, “I’ll be fine. Just hurry up with that will ya, it’s not like it tickles.”

Dean finished stitching up Jo’s leg and helped her up, “Alright. Let’s get going. We need to find some cars or a place to crash for the afternoon so you can rest that leg a little bit.” As they began to walk down the road, Cas moved in next to Garth.

“Hey, buddy.”

“Hello, Garth.”

“What’s up?”

“I feel someone watching us. It is different than the dead ones. Keep an eye out, and tell Ash. I do not want to bother Dean with it just yet...but something is off.” He wandered off on his own, and Garth couldn’t help but look around to see if Cas’s intuition was right. He hoped that he wasn’t.

“What are we gonna do about that?” Daryl grumbled. Aaron looked through the binoculars at the ragtag group of people walking in their direction.

“I don’t think we need to do anything about it right now. They seem like decent enough people, and it looks like the one girl is hurt.”

Daryl grunted, “Ain’t nobody decent enough lookin’, anymore.”

Aaron sighed, “You didn’t seem to think that when we were out looking for survivors before. Why don’t you radio Rick and see what he thinks?”

“Do you really wanna bring these people into the mess we’re in right now? Ya might as well just leave ‘em out here to get eaten.”

“Daryl, I don’t think you mean that. Besides, with the way they navigated that bridge, they may be handy people to have around. Radio Rick.”

Daryl rolled his eyes but pulled the radio from his back pocket and pushed the button. “Hey, Rick, got yer ears on, man?”

“Yea, go ahead.”

“We got a group of….looks to be about nine. Headin’ towards Alexandria, looks like at least one of ‘em is hurt.” He released the button and squinted. “Hand me those binoculars.” Aaron tossed them over and Daryl stared at the two heading up the back of the group. “Looks like the injured one is expectin’.”

The radio was silent for a moment, then there was a crackle, “Watch ‘em. If they seem okay, ask ‘em the questions. If not...you know what to do.”

“Gotcha, brother.” Daryl slid the radio back into his back pocket. “Happy now?”

Aaron smiled, “Actually, yes. Yes, I am.” The two men quietly began to follow the small group, keeping a safe distance until the time was right.

Read Chapter 5 HERE.

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At The End Of All Things: @jellersquad @babeonthebike

[fangirlingwhileblacktarot]

Normal Song: A Dean and Cassie Story

Title: Normal Song Author: shoetingstar Fandom: SPN Wordcount: 1,863 Rating: MA rated talk, Y rating action-wise Characters: Dean Winchester, Cassie Robinson, some Sam and John mentions.

Genre: romantic angst with some sexy talk Disclaimer: Dirty talk, heartbreak, death, loss, grief Summary: This is a little story about my lovely couple. An “Imagine you…” type story. You are on Cassie’s shoes while dating Dean back in Athens, Ohio. After a LONG bout of writer's block, I found this a few notes I had started maybe a year ago, fleshed it out, cleaned it up and finished it. I have to share before I lose my nerve and I'm tired of waiting until I'm “perfect” - so please forgive any overlooked mistakes.

I appreciate you taken a few moments out of your day read Dean and Cassie’s story. Shall, we begin…?

******

So, let’s imagine you meet a boy.

First of all, he is hot as hell. Male model face with gorgeous green eyes, tall with the wide, strong shoulders you prefer; Bowlegged like your longing celebrity crush, Keanu Reeves….Just a heaping bowl of manly, goodness for your visual and sexual snacking purposes.

Your first impression: he’s a total player, slightly immature, and doesn’t take life serious. You are in college, you have goals and a career path you're determined to follow. You don’t seem to have much in common. But chemistry can not be manufactured, and it is strong between you. The mutual attraction is undeniable. 

You resign yourself to accepting that this will be only about the sex. You are not getting your heart deeply involved with anyone, but a girl does have other needs. And holy shit, it’s the best

sex

of

your

life. Dean is on some next level shit that you’ve never experienced before. He leads you to do things you never thought you would try, let alone enjoy. Yes, even THAT.

Unexpectedly, he sticks around after these sessions and talks. He.likes.to.cuddle for Heaven's sake. He continually surprises you and challenges some of your former decisions about the type of person you thought he was. During these frequent talks you realize there is more to this guy than you originally imagined. Underneath that confident bravado lurks

a

thoughtful,

dare you say,

sensitive,

person? He actually listens to and your crazy rants about school, feminism, the lack racial representation on the local news staff. The very topics you were lead by your Ex to believe were too intense for others. Dean actually tries to get to know you, asking you a lot of unexpected questions. He went with you when volunteered at the local homeless shelter. Helping people by action, not lip service seems to be another thing you have in common. You realize that are both closest to your Dads. Dad owns his own car dealership and is active in your hometown. Dean connects with his Dad through a mutual love of vintage cars, fishing trips (that's what you pretend he meant when he said “hunting” trips), and work. He leaves town. You knew it was coming but you take it harder than you care to admit. You will never see him again, probably,

maybe,

you’re sure

you won't. He is working in “the family business,” which you’re not sure about. Accident claim adjusters - they travel a lot. They investigate accidents for insurance companies. His mother died when he was a kid, and his dad was really messed up about it. He has a younger brother who “abandoned” (Dean's words) the family biz to go to college. He listens when you share your opinion that his brother may have just not done anything wrong by trying something different.  

Lucky for you, there were no commitments made on you part. You’re a realist, after all. He could easily have a girl-in-every-area-code type situation going on. Like the US Military you adopt the don’t ask, don’t tell policy. Again, no commitments were made. Of course, because life could never be too easy,

you can’t

stop

thinking

about

him. You find yourself listening to the classic rock stations, voluntarily…It’s getting as bad as it could get. You press on, throw yourself into school and work. You proudly tell yourself that you hadn’t thought of him, like, all day (!!), as you are thinking of him. You are completely NOT falling in love with this guy. Nope,. Not you. You are too smart to put your hopes into someone so…nomadic in his life, right? Then he calls. “I can't stop thinking about you,” he blurts out, in the middle of a catch-up session.   “Well, that’s nice, Dean. I appreciate that,” is what you imagined saying. However, you open you big, beautiful mouth and admit that you feel the same way about him. Aarrgghh! “Can I see you again?” “Well, of course.” It happens easier than you could have ever believed - you grow closer. He visits for a couple weeks,

leaves,

comes

back,

and leaves

again,

but you make this long- distance thing work. The relationship gets deeper, still. Soon you are telling him things you’ve never admitted out loud: your mom’s racist father who was forbidden from having any contact with you, the asshole who broke your heart and who was now engaged to your former best friend…It pours out as you lay tangled in Dean’s strong, muscled embrace. Of course this was usually after he fucked you **dizzy**, loved your body from head to toe like he was detailing his car. (With anyone else this would be unappealing. But Dean really took excellent, thorough care of his car.). The euphoric high that you created together massaged your emotional courage, causing the inner floodgates to open a little wider each time, and confessions poured out. At times, you could be just sitting in “Baby” (you have semi-mostly-accepted that you are actually dating a guy who treats his car like a woman), listening to the calming beat of the rain poured down outside, cocooned from the rest of the world and he would share little morsels of information about his past, and what he hoped for the future. That was the heart if it all: Hope. The light- bringing that happens in a real friendship.

Graduation was coming soon, and a few opportunities were on the table, back in your hometown and another market. You start to imagine and plan a future, and though you try and test, you can't see it all happening without Dean.

There

were

some

Red flags. His Dad is less than enthusiastic about the relationship and seems to worry that Dean will leave like his brother. And you wonder if he’s really faithful while he’s in the road for days or a couple weeks at a time. Nothing seems quite as stable or predictable as you would like. But God, you love him. Therefore, the eventual cracks appear, as you knew they would.

****** “So, your brother doesn’t know about me?”

He was telling you about Sam possibly asking his girlfriend to marry him. Their communication was sporadic, but his younger brother would inform him about major news, usually after the fact. This time he wanted Dean’s input beforehand and Dean was clear about his position. You were sitting in Baby, a couple hours after he got Sam’s voicemail.

“It can’t work.”

The boy could be stubborn, digging his heels in when his position was challenged.

“They seem to have similar goals. From what you’ve told me he feels supported by her. I mean marriage is not my thing, but Sam is obviously more traditional than we are.” Dean seemed surprised, definitely not happy about what you said “ So you - we- are non-traditional? You don’t want to get married?” Before you could answer or explore his question further, he moves on. “I mean…Forget it. Sam can’t do this. It’s not who we are.” You don’t waste your breath arguing when he’s in this mood. You are intrigued by this situation, however.

“So what does Sam think of you and our relationship” I ask. It was THAT pause that pierced your happy bubble. It was a small hesitation,  but it was there.

“He…He doesn’t take me serious when it comes to, uh, you know- dating.”

“So he thinks we're just casual?” “Do I have to remind you that the communication with my brother stinks?” “Ahhh….So you haven’t told him you have a girlfriend. In fact, maybe you haven’t even bothered to tell yourself.” It was awful timing. Your editor- took credit for your work, and then he had the nerve to imply that you didn't belong in that kind of work. And in spite of being careful with Dean, you had a false positive pregnancy that deepened your speculation about what a future with Dean Winchester would look like.

What kind if Dad would he be?

What kind of Partner/ Husband would he be?

Where would you even live? You were ready to go into your apartment, alone to think about next step. You were a damn fool. (He has to be an Oscar-worthy actor to fool you.) He had never been serious about you. (But why would travel so far and so much to see you? Never once did he complain about driving so far). You were grabbing your purse, hand reaching for the door handle when he said it. “Cassie, I love you.” “What?!” He reached over you and made sure the door was closed. He grabbed your hands, looked you deep in your eyes, and stated firmly, “I love you. And while I’m being completely honest…It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what I’m doing.” “I need to trust you. I mean what are you doing when you're not with me? Do you know I’ve told my family about you?” “What did you tell them?” He smiled proudly. His enthusiasm nearly made you forget you were hurt and mad at him. “That you were handsome, funny, and that you take good care of me….Everything but the sexy parts.” “You didn’t tell Mom and Dad about that new position we tried last night? Or how big my C…?” “No! Especially, not about you being the biggest I've ever had.” “Well, I like hearing that but your parents knowing would make family dinners seriously awkward Some of the tension is released as you laugh it out.

“Here’s the truth. If I tell my little brother that I’m serious about this beautiful, smart, sexy girl, but NORMAL girl, things would never be the same because there will be tragic consequences.“

(Normal?) “Did you grow up on a religious cult?” “No…” “Is it because I’m black.” “Hell NO…” “Then what do mean by consequences?” He was silent, he looked inexplicably grief-stricken. Then something else struck me. In all this craziness I forgot to respond to the most important thing he said (besides the part about me being beautiful, sexy and smart…) “Dean, you wanna know when I knew I loved you and that I was all yours? Tracey’s birthday party. You dressed up in pants of a non-denim quality and wore a tie for my boss's little fancy dinner. That alone was enough to warm my little pessimist heart. Then we get there and you held your own with all their little shallow concerns. But what really got me was the kids.” “Haley and Henry? I mean how could you not feel sorry for a 10 year old with such a Grandpa- esque name?” “I hate to agree, but...Any how, none of them wanted to be bothered with kids and Tracey was stressed out and her husband was frankly useless, as usual. And you, Mr. Tough Guy charmed them, scooped them up took them to the play room and you were so good with them. I was able to imagine…”

Shit, you confessed more than you had intended. “Able to imagine…What?” He prompted. You’re supposed to be a fearless journalist and you can’t just say how you feel??

You take a deep breath and went for it. “I could see us with a house full of family and friends and you being this…Dad. A great one.” “you mean like a DILF?!”

“ Not quite where I was going with it, but total DILF for me. In other news, I could see you being a great Dad.”

“Don’t sound so surprised!” “I’m sorry! So what other surprises do you have for me?” You had no idea at that time about

the

bomb

of a

secret he would drop on you soon enough.. *** Now, here you are.

You weren’t sure he would have the same number, but it was working…ringing right  now. You could feel your blood pressure rise, your heart speed up its beats…You hang up. But there would be no calming down for long while.

Okay, fearless, relatively successful journalist - where were your Lady-balls when you needed them? And most of…Dad. You had to find out what really caused the accident that killed Daddy.

This time you stayed on the line. Dean answered on the 4th ring, sounding irritated, grumpy. “Dean?” Even though you knew it was him. Grief-brain was a bitch. “Yeah?” He was distracted. You felt dismissed, a totally irrational response… “Hi, this is…” “ Cassie?!” “Yes.” You feel relief mixed with nervousness, folded into and the constant mental and physical ache of unexpected LOSS…The tears refuse to leave you alone and to not be cried. “What’s wrong?” How did he know? You can hear the worry in his voice. “Dean, it’s my Dad.“ And here comes the burning eyes, the tears… "He was killed last night.” “God, Cassie...I'm so sorry. I know how close you were.” “Thank you. This will sound completely insane, and I feel silly for even asking you this, but…About your Family’s Business, did you tell me the truth? Is that a real thing?” “Yes, it is, “ he said with finality. You wiped the tears from your cheeks, hold back sniffles before you turn into a mess on the phone with your ex-boyfriend, who is probably still upset at you. "I have no right to ask you...”

“I'm there. Just tell me where.”

And he came.

THE END.

[rosalietodd013]

Forever (Part 10): Good Enough

Summary: The reader gets help getting back to the person she once was and there is a family renunion on the horizon.

Warnings: Depression, Fear, not much else

Words: 3,992

Catch Up on the rest of the story: Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE, Part 3 HERE, Part 4 HERE, Part 5 HERE, Part 6 HERE, Part 7 HERE, Part 8 HERE, Part 9 HERE

A/N: So I think a week went by before I noticed that in the previous chapter I didn’t put up a deadline for the poll. I think my original thought process was a month to make sure everyone got their votes and opinions and questions in, but because I didn’t clarify and because I need some to get my head together with the next couple of chapters, I’m gonna say August 31 will be the final day to put in votes. I know that’s a long time to wait, especially without an update in so long, but I need to make sure everything is in order and that I meet my requirements for the rest of the story. As always, if you have comments, questions, concerns, or anything else, just let me know. Enjoy…

Song title: This chapter is based off the song Good Enough by Evanescence for reasons that are explained in the first chunk of this chapter and have been explained in some detail in previous chapters. You’ll understand when you start reading.

“How did you find me?” I ask though I knew he had been here for a while, and it’s kinda hard to believe that he is here.

He doesn’t do what I expected him to do. I expected him to start yelling at me about how stupid and dangerous what I did was. For him to scold me on how there were hunts that could have been solved and people who could have been saved with all the time it took him to look for me. Maybe throw something with the famous Winchester temper. But he doesn’t do any of that. What he does actually surprises the hell out of me.hunts that could have been solved and people who could have been saved with all the time it took him to look for me. Maybe throw something with the famous Winchester temper. But he doesn’t do any of that. What he does actually surprises the hell out of me.

“I missed you baby girl.” He says, pulling me into this bone crushing hug that feels so warm and emits more love than I have ever known him to show. It makes me realize just how much I’d missed him too.

“I missed you too Daddy,” I say with tears streaming steadily down my face.

Dad acts entirely out of character but at the same time just like himself the first little while that he’s here. He avidly checks to make sure I’m ok when he pulls away from our hug, patting me down and running a few subtle tests to make sure I’m not hurt or some monster. Classic Dad. He also does a minor sweep of the cabin to make sure the place I’ve been living in for the past nine months is safe.

I roll my eyes at that. Like I would have actually stayed here all this time if I knew it wasn’t safe. He taught me better than that. But he doesn’t act like it.

“Where’s Dean?” I move over to the couch as he glances at the sigils all over the kitchen and living room. “And you still haven’t told me how you found me.”

“When your brother and I realized you were gone, we thought that monster had taken you, so we finally tracked down the bastard and killed him. When we realized that he hadn’t taken you, we tried to track your phone, which the GPS was conveniently off for.” He shoots me a look that makes me avoid eye contact. “We got it turned back on though and found it two miles from Bobby’s place. He told us he’d only seen you for a second, weeks after you’d disappeared and had stolen one of his cars. After that, Dean and I split up so we could cover more ground. We knew there weren’t many people you trusted, so I called them all.”

By this time, Dad had come to sit on the loveseat across from me. Apparently satisfied with what he’d made of the sigils, he had grabbed a beer for him and a water for me from the fridge, taking a sip before continuing.

“I ran through the names relatively fast, none of them having heard of you, so I figured you wouldn’t have gone to anyone because you knew they’d tell me where you were. I was stumped for about a week, Dean not having heard from you either. Then it dawned on me. You just needed a stable place, not with people necessarily. So I checked my list of safe houses as far away from California as possible because you would want us to take a while checking the other states looking for you.Three of them were on the East Coast. One in Lincolnton, North Carolina, one in Dahlonega, Georgia, and this one. Didn’t think I knew about this place huh?”

I must have a shocked or confused look on my face due to his question. Yeah, I stole this address off his list to make sure he wouldn’t find me. So how did he?

“I remembered all the states and addresses Angelina gave me (Y/N), and I called her to confirm that this one existed. What you did was smart, but not clever enough. I’ll always find you (Y/N), you and your brothers. It’s my job to protect you all and keep you safe and together as a family. Even if you don’t want me to.”

The isolation I have had from most people, especially my father, must not have been the best for me because I can feel myself getting angrier and angrier at his words. Usually, I can handle most of the things my dad says because I am with him and hear it regularly, but not now. I’ve spent too much time away from him, and now it doesn’t take much to set me off.

What the hell was he even talking about?

“You wanna keep us safe and together? How well is that going for you right now Dad? Because in my opinion, you suck at it. When Sam left, Dean and I went to go make sure he was ok. You ran away to do God knows what God knows where for a whole night. And after that, for months you and Dean got your asses handed to you by literally every monster you faced and were too fucked up in the head with grief to realize that you hadn’t even finished entire hunts. You say you wanna keep us safe and together yet you denied me the chance at training, so I had to do it with Bobby, and you never went to try and remedy things with Sam. How does that keep us safe and together Dad?”

I’m standing over him, yelling because I haven't been this emotional in a while and need to vent.

“I made mistakes in the past (Y/N). Regretable ones. Letting your brother walk away was one and keeping you from the field was another. The time you, Dean, and I spent hunting as a family was a time I spent realizing just how much you needed this to heal and how great you were for the job, with or without the training from Bobby.” He says earnestly, not making a move to stand, knowing how on edge I am at this moment. Winchester temper, remember? Not always just a boy thing. “But I also realized just how lost you were getting in what we were doing and how much of yourself you were losing because of what happened. I started treating you like this was what you needed when it was really what I needed. But I wanna help you now–”

“Help me? How are you gonna help me? How Dad? Because you have no idea what I’m going through or how I feel right now. I keep beating myself up because I know I’m not him. I’m not strong enough or smart enough b-because I’m n-no-ot him.”

By this point, I’ve fallen to my knees in front of my father, bawling my eyes out at the admission and the fact that I’m tired of being angry and too ashamed to do anything about it.

“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough Daddy. I didn’t mean to disappoint you. I just w-wanted to be good enough. For you and Dean and I just–”

“You are (Y/N). You are not a disappointment, and neither of us is Sam or Dean. I can’t be disappointed in you if you managed to save mine and Dean’s asses time and time again or managed to lose me for nine months or stand up for your brother when I was being too much of a coward to tell him that I was proud of him.”

At this, my head shoots up from its place on his knee to stare at him shockingly through puffy red eyes.

“When I finally got over everything, I started driving by Stanford periodically to check up on him. I wanted to know that he was alright, but also to see him have the life that I always wanted for him. For all of you. I wish I could go back in time and take back what I said, but I don’t know if he would have changed his mind anyway. He was strong in his own way, and so are you. I’m not gonna leave you baby girl. I’m gonna help you get back on your feet like I should have back then.”

“But how?”

He smiles down at me and kisses my forehead.

“One step at a time.”

And he was right. It took me a while to get back to being a fraction of the girl I once was, with his help of course.

At first it was a real struggle to leave my room for breakfast because I was so mentally and emotionally drained.

“(Y/N), you have to eat something. You’ve lost too much weight as it is.” We’re sitting at the breakfast nook in the kitchen. Well I’m sitting. Dad is standing on the other side of the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand and a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast in front of him, same in front of me.

I have to have lost thirty pounds in these past few months up here by myself. I rarely found the urge to eat or drink anything; I didn’t have anyone to force me to until now.

“You don’t have to eat it all if you don’t want to. At least eat the toast and drink the orange juice.” He tells me almost pleadingly, and this is a side of my dad that no one has ever seen. Well I have on occasion, but my father has never been the type to beg for anything from anyone, so I feel a little worse for putting him in this position.

I take small bites of my toast until it’s gone and eat half a piece of bacon with even fewer eggs before picking up my glass of orange juice and heading to my room.

“(Y/N) ple–”

“I just want to get back in bed.” I say without turning around. The little bit that I ate will likely do me good later on, but at the moment my stomach is churning in the worst way.

Dad doesn’t try to stop me as I go, but I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head, sadness and grief likely shining in his green eyes. This fact causes tears to well up in my eyes as I close my door, the sound echoing throughout the silent cabin.

Exercise helps, I know. It’s the getting out of bed to do anything that is the problem.

Dad is entirely understanding about this and doesn’t push me to do more than I can at the moment, which is still interesting to me. When I was younger, I used to watch him push Dean past his limits constantly and eventually Sam as well. It’s really weird to have him baby me when he hasn’t shown that he is capable of such a thing in the past.

If only he had been this understanding with Dean, always forcing him out of the motel room at the ass crack of dawn without so much as a cup of coffee to start his day. I know that he was training him to be able to protect not only Sam and I, but also himself, but he was a real hard-ass most of the time. Those that know him might have a hard time believing that John Winchester would coddle any of his children because they’re having a slight separation that kept them in bed for weeks at a time.

And they would be right not to believe it because he isn't doing that exactly. Coddling might be too strong a word. Aiding and comforting might work better. At least out loud. He’s encouraging me closer and closer to the door and the outside world, till eventually, I get there.

And I can say that being outside again feels amazing.

For the first few days, we just sit on the porch and listen to nature. The wind blows steadily most of the time, causing my greasy (H/C) hair to blow all over the place. Dad does his best to keep it down but doesn’t succeed, which causes me to laugh.

He laughs too and tells me how happy he is that I’m opening back up, and that makes me smile up at the sky because that makes me happy too.

Over the next few weeks, I attempt to get back in the swing of things. The two of us go running every morning and talk about anything and everything. Dad calls Dean periodically to let him know that I’m ok and to give him his own hunts.

At first, I know that Dean should be aware of where I am and what I’ve been doing because he probably wants to see me for himself, but then I realize that I’m not ready to face him yet and Dad sees this. So he just gives his eldest son periodic updates on my progress and assigns him his own hunts.

One day just after Dad hangs up with Dean, I ask him a question that has been plaguing me for a while.

“So how did you manage to part ways with your beloved Impala?”

He laughs at my question. “ I was wondering how long it would take you to ask.” He looks at his truck out the wall of windows just beyond the kitchen and living room. “Like I said before, Dean and I parted ways to cover more ground in order to find you. He wasn’t taking the bus, and I needed to know he had a reliable ride, so I gave him the Impala and bought myself the truck. I was planning on giving her to him for his twenty-fifth anyway. He just has to take care of her.”

“You know he will. His ‘Baby’ means too much to him. You know he’s been lusting after her since he was like nine. Even I could see that, and I was a three year old. You and Bobby drilled the love of cars into him early. What’d you expect?”

“If only that could’ve worked with you and Sammy–”

I see that he realized his mistake when my brother’s name passes his lips. He learned pretty early on not to mention Sam while we were here –the first time I said his name for Dad to hear since he left was the day he got here, and that was an accident –even before I left. He knows what happened isn’t something I’m just gonna let go anytime soon. The only way that’s gonna happen is if I confront him, and we both know that’s not gonna happen. Ever.

“It’s fine Dad. I know.” I try to ease his worry as he gazes at me apologetically. I just want to move on now. “So you said you found a hunt before Dean called? What’s that about?”

Dad stays with me until I’m able to work and function well enough by his standards on my own – not exactly where I was before but damn near it. We train, go over lore, he took me on a few hunts in the state, and sometimes we just talk. He arrived on a hot and sweaty summer day in July, and he leaves on a cold, frigid day in October, and I really don’t want him to go.

“Do you have to go? Why can’t I come?” I ask as he loads his bags into his truck and turns to face me.

“Because there is a hunt in Texas that Caleb has called me to help him on.”

“Well, I can go with you. Help ou–”

“No,” He says sharply in that ‘not up for discussion’ tone of voice that causes me to shut my mouth instantly. “I need for you to meet up with Dean in a few weeks and who knows how long this hunt is gonna take.”

At the mention of Dean’s name, I look at my father pleadingly, not ready to face my brother yet, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“It’s not up for discussion (Y/N). You still need someone with you, not that I don’t think you can handle yourself, but you and your brother should be together. And besides, he needs help.” He places a hand on my shoulder when my facial expression doesn’t change. “Look, you two have to make amends and work together which is why I’m giving you a few weeks to get yourself together and prepare yourself.”

He pulls me into a hug, and I crush him to myself, desperately not wanting him to go.

“Please don’t leave me,” I say into his chest, my voice wavering slightly.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me back far enough for me to look into his eyes.

“You’ll see me again soon. Talk to your brother (Y/N), it’ll be good for you both. He hasn’t been doing very well in your absence, so he needs this. You don’t have to do it for yourself. Do it for him, and maybe sometime along the way you will find closure too.”

Dad’s right. I need to talk to Dean, but I also need to figure out what I’m gonna say. I ask Dad, but he just kissed my forehead once more and got into his truck with a smile, calling, “You’ll figure it out baby girl.”

So helpful Dad.

That was two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him since then except for a letter that tells me to head to some town in California. Jeranimo? Jericho? Something like that, but I still don’t move to leave.

I know that Dean will likely be there – Dad said that I would have to meet up with him in the coming weeks, but I didn’t think it would be so soon – and I don’t know what I’m gonna say to him. I should apologize for everything I said the last time I saw him on top of leaving without a trace, but I want him to also. Knowing Dean, he’ll be too proud to do that though. Both of us were in the wrong, and we need to move on, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to.

I love my brother to death and would do anything for him, same vice versa, but I don’t know how this is going to affect our relationship on top of me leaving. Dad was cool with everything that happened between us, but I feel like he’s obligated to forgive me for that because I’m his daughter. Dean, on the other hand, doesn’t have that same obligation.

All these thoughts are running through my mind as I drive the two days to Jericho in the newer version of the Jeep Cherokee that I borrowed from the garage. The whole ride, the butterflies in my stomach, get more and more agitated as I dread the thought that my eldest brother might hate me.

When I arrive in town, I soon come to realize that the case has already been solved. I ask around about strange occurrences and new comers, and I overhear a couple cops talking about how a pair of brothers who had escaped police custody, and me being the nosy Winchester that I am, listen a little closer. Discreetly.

Apparently, two men went missing from town not too long ago who had been arrested for impersonating federal agents and harassing one of the locals. At first, I want to believe that it’s a coincidence, but then one of the officers mentions the name ‘Winchester.'

Well shit.

Wait, does this mean that Dean went to get Sam from Stanford since Dad and I were MIA? I mean it could be Dad and Dean working together, but they don’t look that similar in age. Not at all actually. Plus Dad would have told me in the letter if he would have been in Jericho when I got here, and I haven't seen any signs of him at all since I’ve been here.

Does that mean that Sam’s hunting again? How long have they been doing that together? Why would Dean do that to him? Why the hell would he even agree?

There are so many thoughts and questions running through my head at the moment that it’s making me dizzy. I rest my head against the steering wheel of the Jeep and trying to catch my breath from the sudden dizzy spell.

“Breathe (Y/N),” I tell myself. “Dean wouldn’t do that to him and he sure as hell wouldn’t agree.” Would he?

Dad said that Dean’s been different since I left. What if he was so lonely and scared that he got Sam from school after Dad left too. But what I can’t seem to wrap my head around is why Sam would leave his perfect life with his perfect girl for this? One stupid hunt or God knows how many more. It just doesn’t make sense.

I need to know what’s going on and why even if that means that I have to do something I never imagined myself doing.

So I’m back on the road two hours later to a place I hoped to never see again.

Stanford University. If it really was a one-time thing, then that’s where they’re headed.

I’m immediately drawn to the building that’s surrounded by fire trucks and police cars when I arrive. Apparently, there was a fire in one of the buildings recently. Like the firehoses are still getting the last of it put out recent.

I roll my window down and ask one of the bystanders what happened.

“One of the student’s apartments caught fire, but the police don’t know how. She apparently didn’t make it out.” The girl seems genuinely distraught by the news. “She was so nice.”

“You know who it was?” I ask, perking up a bit more at the hint of new information.

“Yeah she was in my Lit 104 class. Her poor boyfriend came home after being out on some trip all weekend with his brother I think he said, and arrived just when the fire started. Police ruled him out as a suspect because some of the neighbors saw them leave and go back in right as the fire started. His girlfriend’s name was Jessica Moore, by the way.”

As she speaks, the information sounds too familiar, and when she says Jessica’s name, an intense feeling of grief washes over me. After that, I pretty much zone the girl out.

Jessica was dead? And Sam found her just before their apartment caught fire. That sounds eerily familiar.

At that moment, I see the Impala drive by, Dean in the driver’s seat and Sam likely the dark silhouette next to him in the passenger’s seat with grief just as likely etched onto his face in the shadow of night.

I don’t hesitate as I follow the boys down the road.

They stop at a motel that looks eerily like the one Dean, Dad, and I stayed in the last time I was here. They get out of the car and go into one of the rooms, but I sit there for a while. I’m thinking about everything that could happen if I go up and knock on that door. All of the thoughts end in me either kicked out or someone bleeding badly. Eventually, I clear my mind of those pessimistic thoughts, or at least push them as far back in my mind as they will go which isn’t far but is out of the forefront of my mind, and muster up the courage to get out of the Jeep and walk up to the door I saw them go into not ten minutes ago, knocking on the door firmly.

Not fifteen seconds later, the door swings open revealing my eldest brother with a gun pointed in my face, but I don’t flinch.

“Hi, Dean.”

Part 11

Tags: @sharethelovebeauty , @pretty-fortune

If you want to be tagged in this story or any of the others in my masterlist, just let me know. I also do forever (not the story this time) tags.

[tigerlilynoh]

Job & Family DS: Aftermath - Playdate 2.0

Words: 2,954  Spoiler warning:  Contains spoilers for the end of Job & Family.

3/2/12

“Do you ever wonder what they say about us?”  Dean asked after he took a hit from his vaporizer.  

Sam gave his brother a sidelong glance, then turned his attention back to Kaylee, Anansi, & Malek.  Sam had asked Dean to help him watch the children since Malek was spending the day topside.  Two infants was a handful, three was an accident waiting to happen.  The brothers had settled on clearing the living room floor and piling some toy in the middle, creating a play area that they could flank.

Kaylee was a very curious & hands on two year old.  Whether it was everyone's imagination or not, the general impression was that she emulated Kay & Ruby’s leadership traits.  She liked to oversee random household procedures and helped enable Anansi & Malek as much as possible.  Her generosity toward the two younger relatives was shaping up to make her the leader of a very adorable gang- once all its members could walk.

At seven & six months old respectively, Anansi & Malek spent their time diligently learning through playing.  They could both crawl well enough to get around and babbled what might become first words before too long.  Despite not being able to talk, Anansi seemed to understand a few words & phrases beyond his own name and Malek could understand a speaker’s tone of voice.

“Kaylee can't put a whole sentence together and the others aren't even a year old.  I think you need to talk to your dealer.”  Sam teased.

“Not them.”  Dean gestured to the kids.

“Do I ever wondered what who says about us?”

“The people who know about us.”

“That's not making it any clearer.”  Sam extended his hand.  “Give me your vape.  You're way too high to be babysitting.”

“I'm not that high.”  Dean argued, but he tossed over the vaporizer.  “I mean- the angels, the demons, even nutjobs with their ear to the ground.  Weren't we supposed to destroy the world and instead nothing.  You disappeared.  I all but disappeared.”

“I don't like to think about it too much.”  Sam admitted.  “I wish more people thought I was dead.”

“You need a new persona, get you back in the world.  You might need a disguise spell or something- those things gotta exist, right?”

“I have no idea.”  Sam said as he leaned forward and repositioned Anansi’s leg so that he wasn't sitting on it awkwardly.  “I don't have time to sneak back into the world yet.”

“I guess you don't have to go very far to get a grateful mob.”  Dean acknowledged.

“You miss the glory days?”  Sam peeked over at Dean for signs that he might be growing restless in his newly quiet life.

“Do I miss the dislocated joints, having to pop two Vicodin just to survive sitting in the car for a few hours, watching you get beat up, worrying that someday-”  Dean stopped himself, then shook his head.  “I don't miss that at all, but helping people…”

“You help people.”

“I guess.”  Dean sighed.  “I haven't gone hunting in… well, since before Ani was born.  It's weird, like- I used to get this feeling from hunting, not the adrenaline, but the accomplishment.  I thought I'd lose that if I didn't hunt, and maybe I don't feel exactly proud of the mundane stuff, not in the same way… I don't know... maybe I don't need to do the big important things anymore.”

“We've still got important things, they're just small and lack fine motor skills.”  Sam smiled at his kids, then looked to Dean.  “You think you might ever have a kid?”

“Dyl would love that.”  Dean commented, then shrugged.  “Eh, maybe not- what's Michael's line matter with the asshole in prison and the apocalypse out of the way?”

“Putting aside the whole grace-vessel thing…”  Sam prodded.

Dean watched as Kaylee diligently dug through the toys trying to find the best ones to give Anansi & Malek.  After delivering the toys, she hugged Malek, carefully avoiding his horns & spikes in order to convey the affection.  Then she sat down to play with the toy tiger Dean had given her for her first birthday.  The fact that she played with it so much warmed his heart and somehow, in that moment, pained him a bit at the same time.

“I'm sure I'd like having a kid.  The other me- I could see how much Dyl meant to him.”  Dean rubbed the back of his neck.  “I don't really know if that's in the cards right now.  I'm guessing Jeremy doesn't have a female vessel he can just slip into.”

“Sounds like you two are getting pretty serious?”  

Sam decided not to pressed the kid angle and instead jumped at the opening to talk about Dean's boyfriend, who no one in the family had actually met.  As far as Sam knew, he was the only person in the family that hadn't done some sort of background check on the guy- granted that was partially because the results of everyone's efforts ended up finding their way to Sam over a few beers.  The consensus was that Jeremy was a diabetic, classic film nerd, who overwithheld on his taxes, and probably would've own a cat if not for Dean being allergic.  A pleasant, but not exciting man.

“We're slow moving.”  Dean answered ambiguously.  “But yeah, things seem pretty stable.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

“I'm not sure how to.”  Dean confessed.  “We’ve been dating for almost two years.  At first I wasn't telling him because I didn't know him.  Now I'm just like how do you tell someone you've been lying to them for two years?”

“Just start with the less crazy stuff and feel it out.”  Sam suggested.  “Maybe put the time travel at the end.  He knows what a hunter is-”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”  Sam stared at Dean in disbelief.  “How could he not know about hunters?”

“He's somewhere between skeptical & agnostic about a lot of this stuff.  He’s never seen any of it firsthand or had it effect him.  People like simple- it's easier to think it's all nutjob cults and horror movie publicity stunts.”  Dean's face dimmed subtly.  “He likes simple.”

“You think it'd be too much for him?”

“To believe or to put up with?”  Dean groaned.  “I'm not neck deep in the action anymore, but I've got a lot of strings attached.”

“All relationships have their issues.”  Sam offered.  “Anyway, I want to meet him, so get over your anxiety already.”

“Are you gonna ‘What are your intentions?’ him?”  Dean smiled at the mental image.

“If I don't who will?”  Sam joked.

“Dyl, 100% Dyl.”  Dean answered confidently.

“Oh God,”  Sam nodded.  “Dyl really might interrogate the guy.”

“Full on waterboarding.”

Malek very carefully picked up a soft plastic toy in the shape of a lion, then waved it around a little.  Sam & Dean both watched him nervously and Sam held up his hand, ready to telekinetically grab any potential projectile.  Instead of throwing the toy, Malek squeezed it.  There was a loud pop as the back of the lion’s head burst.  Kaylee & Anansi both stared in mild alarm, but Malek started whimpering.

“Shit, I thought we’d poked holes in all the hollow toys.”  Sam muttered as he scooped up Malek.  He started bouncing the infant on his knee as a distraction, then spoke to him in a soft reassuring voice.  “It’s okay, Mal.  Just try to be gentle.”

“Let me get that.”  Dean offered.  He picked up a turtle plushie and shook it in front of Malek.  “Come on, Mal.  Check out this awesome fuzzy turtle.”

Malek stared at the turtle for a few seconds before dropping the lion and accepting the replacement.  Dean picked up the lion, then ran his thumb over the broken edge of the rupture.

“Is it sharp?”

“Not really.”  Dean shrugged.  “Mark another one for his toy kill count.”

“Do you think you’d ever babysit Mal alone?”  Sam asked Dean while patting Malek’s head in reassurance.

Over the last few months, the family had noticed that Malek’s physical strength had increased beyond that of a normal baby- or even just a human.  The discovery was alarming, but not wholly unexpected considering who his father was.  They all strived to teach Malek finesse, which had had mixed results.  Sam & Kay had the easiest time handling him since they could use telekinesis to prevent him from breaking any of their bones.  Ruby didn't have a great way of preventing the damage, but she didn't have as much attachment to her meatsuit.  Similarly, Dylaniel had received several accidentally hits that he healed before they could start bruising.  Luckily, so far Malek had not manifested the Knight’s trait of inflicting damage that was immune to angelic healing, though they were all vigilant.  

Then there was Dean.  Despite genuinely adoring Malek, Dean had trouble getting hands on with him.  He didn't have a way of preventing or healing any injuries the kid might cause.  Whenever he held Malek, he tried to make sure the infant was clutching a toy and aimed away from him.  Everyone understood Dean's caution, though Malek was beginning to get to the age when he'd start internalizing subtle things like the fact that his uncle Dean was visibly uncomfortable interacting with him.

“Kaylee or Ani I could probably handle, but…”  Dean hesitated.  “I'm not sure how to stop a baby that can break all the bones in my hand.”

“He's actually getting pretty good about not hurting people.”  Sam assured as he released Malek back into the play area.  “It's just that objects don't say ‘ow’ before they snap.”

Malek crawled back over to Anansi & Kaylee.  Anansi picked up a fuzzy pink bunny toy and held it to the slightly younger Malek.  Malek looked between his turtle & the pink bunny, then dropped the turtle for the bunny.  He cooed a little as he hugged the bunny.

“Hell’s gonna be so pissed to find out their future king is such a softy.  You're a bad influence on him.”  Dean told Sam as he got up, then walked to the kitchen.  “You want a beer?”

“Sure.”  

“Dammit.”  Dean called from the kitchen a few seconds later.  “One foamed over.  Do you have a towel or something?”

“Check on the counter by the dishrack.”  Sam spared a glance at the kitchen to make sure Dean was on the right track.  “Yeah, those.”

When Sam looked back to the kids he saw that they were all still seated where they'd been, but Anansi was playing with Dean's cell phone.  With Malek being capable of snapping the metal & glass device in half, the phone was potentially dangerous in their hands.

“Sorry Ani, but that's not a toy.”  Sam said as he took the phone from his son, then moved it back to where Dean had been sitting, out of the baby's reach.

“Here's what's left of your beer.”  Dean said as he returned.

Sam turned to collect the bottle from Dean, but Dean was too distracted by something to complete the handoff.  Sam looked to what had caught his brother's attention.  The cell phone was slowly sliding across the floor in diminutive jerks toward Anansi, who had his arms extended, trying to grab it.  

“Ani?  Stop.”  Sam instructed.  Anansi looked up at his dad and the phone stopped moving.

“No fucking way.”  Dean exhaled.

“The kids aren't supposed to get powers like this until they're four or five years old.”  Sam muttered in disbelief.

“I think you need to invest in some heavier duty baby proofing.”

“Jesus Christ.  Hey, Tommy.”  Sam shouted to Tom, who was studying in his bedroom.

“What?”  The eight year old asked, while coming down the hall to see what was going on.

“Get your sister, take her to Belda’s.”

“What's wrong?”

“I'll explain later, just go.”

Tom shrugged, took Kaylee's hand and started walking her out the door.  Kaylee waved goodbye to her little brother & cousin as she was escorted out of the cabin.  With the infants no longer outnumbering him & Dean, Sam took out his phone and called Ruby.  He put the call on speaker phone, then watched Anansi like a hawk for the twenty seconds or so that it took for the call to go through to Hell.  

“Nobody's hurt, but Ani just used telekinesis.”  Sam said as soon as the line clicked over.

“But he’s a baby.”  Ruby replied uncertainly.

“I just saw it.”

“I don't understand… it just…”  Ruby almost growled.  “I'm gonna fucking kill Morrison.  One of the prenatal supplements I took was to reduce fatigue with powers.  It must've just made it easier for him in general.”

“Is there…”  Sam hesitated.  “is there a way to undo it?  Just temporarily make it so he can't pull everything off the walls?”

“That'd take impairing parts of his brain.”  Ruby warned.  “He could get serious developmental damage.”

Sam picked up Anansi, who hugged his dad back.  He wasn't sure how to handle a situation like this.  Malek had abilities that made him potentially dangerous, but at least the implications of physical strength were predictable.  With something like telekinesis, Anansi could do any number of things, including getting access to hazardous objects.  And that wasn't even counting the possibility that the infant could accidentally use the First Light.

“What about an anti-magic spell on the house?”  Sam suggested.

“Tommy’ll riot and we’ll end up with three kids under the age of five.”  Ruby replied.  “But it's a backup plan.”

Malek crawled toward Sam, trying to get to his playmate, but Dean picked him up before he could start climbing up Sam.  Dean held Malek in such a way as to keep the babies from looking at each other, lest they try to interact.  

“We need to figure out a way to deal with this before he hurts himself or someone else.”  Sam said while moving to prevent Anansi from seeing Dean & Malek.  He didn't know how well Anansi understood object permanence yet, but he hoped that out of sight still meant out of mind.

“Can you overpower him?”  Ruby asked.

“I haven't tried, but probably.  He was struggling to move Dean's cell.”

“Just keep an eye on him and I'll see what R&D comes up with.”

“Try to hurry, the number of infants capable of destroying the house just doubled.”

Sam hung up the phone, then simply held Anansi close for a long while.  He shared a silent, worried glance with Dean- neither of them knew what to say.  Anansi made a little sigh of contentment as he hugged Sam back.  Sam's stomach knotted at the juxtaposition of such an innocent child & such a problematic power.  He rocked his son gently while making soothing noises and patting Anansi’s back.

“Mal, gentle.”  Dean warned when Malek gripped his thumb & index finger.  “That's good.”

“You want to switch?”

“No, we’re okay.  Right, Mal?”  Malek looked up at him and smiled.  Dean stared at Sam with visible concern.  “You okay?”

“No.”

The brothers sat quietly for several seconds before Dean huffed a small laugh, causing Sam to raise an eyebrow.

“Just imagine when they start roughhousing.”  Dean explained what had amused him.

“You sure you don't want in on this parenthood thing?”  Sam smiled halfheartedly.

“Baby battle royale.”  Dean shook his head, then muttered.  “My baby would win.”

“Seriously?”  Sam’s voice was a bit lighter, pulling from the worried thoughts by the absurd distraction.  “Against telekinesis & super strength?”

“My baby could bless weapons.”

“You were a thirty year old man and you couldn't bless weapons.”

“Just think about Dyl, but tiny- a tiny, rosy cheeked killing machine.”

“I hate to break this to you, but I’m guessing Dyl gets a good amount of his gusto from being a nephilim.”  Sam countered.  “Unless you're planning on making some pretty big lifestyle changes, your baby's going to be human.”

“Batman’s human.”

“Yes, batman is human.”  Sam conceded the point.

Ruby & Kay appeared by the front door.  Both Sam & Dean let out sighs of relief at the sight of reinforcements.  Kay quickly took Malek off Dean's hands as Ruby rushed over to Sam & Anansi.

“Please tell me you've got something.”  Sam greeted her.

“Warded wristbands.”  Ruby held up two little strips of black fabric.  “These should work until he figures out how to undo buttons.”

“I guess they don't make handcuffs in infant sizes.”  Dean joked, earning a less than delighted expression from Sam.

Sam held Anansi while Ruby started putting the first wristband on their son.  As soon as both buttons on the inch wide strip of cloth had been buttoned Anansi started fidgeting & huffing.  He flailed his other arm, causing a pile of books several feet away to tip off the edge of a side table.

“You're okay, Ani.”  Sam reassured as Ruby finished putting on the second band.  Once it was on Anansi looked around the room, stretched his arms at various objects, then began crying.  Ruby picked him up and held him to her chest.

“Don't cry, sweetie.”  She said in a delicate voice while rocking gently from side to side.  “It's just for a little bit.  We just want you to be safe.”

“Alex would get uncomfortable if there was anti-magic warding.”  Kay suggested as a comparison.  “He said it made the colors dull & the Earth didn't hum- things like that.  He seemed less energetic, but I don't think it was actually painful- Whether this is like that, I don't know.”

“Does it feel weird, Ani?”  Ruby whispered, then kissed the top of his head.  After a minute his crying faded into huffing & pouting.  Before too long he started to blink slower & slower until he fell asleep in Ruby's arms.

“You two,”  Kay nodded to Sam & Ruby.  “are completely fucked.”

[elizabethrobertajones]

Ha! Sorry , yeah I forgot to put in Cas's name (and it's coming from a LOT of Cas fans in a "I get why they're happier to see their mum- just as someone without blood relations it makes me super sad to see people act this way about bio parents- same reason I can't watch Once Upon a Time which is super gross about that)

Aah, I get you >.> Yeah, I understand now. But I haven’t been on my dash at all so I have no idea what people are saying about this or how they have been interpreting it. I’m so far behind despite it being like 2 days since the episode I’m still in the fresh eyes episode reaction phase >.> I’d like to know what people are saying before, like, the next episode, but I suppose I can offer my perspective without any idea what everyone else is saying about this :P 

To my eyes I didn’t think they were “happier” to see their Mom - they called Cas and Mary came too and they didn’t have an expectation she’d be there. Using Sam as a control group because Dean is definitely acting weirder in that scene, Sam just sort of stumbles on both of their other immediate family in the wood and glomps onto both of them. 

I have read a fair amount of meta now suggesting Dean’s weirdness about Mary being there was because he hadn’t expected her and the whole deal thing - which we don’t know the terms of yet when they see her for the first time - being a real problem. Now I rewatch it Dean definitely seems much shiftier about it all so I read HIS reaction to seeing Mary as not letting go of Cas and rushing off to her because he cares more to see her, but he is distracted by her presence because he hadn’t counted on it.

(It all relies on Cas and Mary bonding while Sam n Dean are locked up - I don’t think they knew really that Cas and Mary had been as close as they were even before they both split off on their own things, because they talked alone at night. Mary IS Cas’s emergency contact and that should be fairly obvious but Dean made a point of calling Cas and only Cas over and over when they got out so his behaviour excludes Mary and remembering 12x06 I think he would have feared exactly what nearly happened, involving her in the deal even if he couldn’t have been sure the terms covered her, Winchesters tend to sacrifice for each other and the last time they saw her her vulnerability there was emphasised.)

Buuut the camera from Cas’s perspective tells us he’s THINKING Sam and Dean are prioritising Mary, so that’s a valid thing to discuss, but I do think Cas’s self esteem was literally the subplot of the episode for him, so his judgement on these matters is impaired - 12x03 with the conversation about belonging is so important and he thinks Mary belongs (and she assumes he does), but when Cas sees something like Sam and Dean rushing to hug Mary, despite how we see how happy they are to see him, he can’t process it properly; we’re getting Cas’s perspective but it’s only a perspective. So I think Cas is actually feeling what you are about the sad and isolating feeling of blood family winning over found family (as he expressed in 12x03 about Mary belonging just because she was their mom) and he feels like he’s seeing it in action there.

But the show has ALWAYS stressed these messages about what blood is and how that includes people who aren’t literally blood at all (and in Cas’s case are angel grace instead of blood :P)… Crowley’s one thing in the episode was to remind us how he cares (even though he says he doesn’t) and Dean gave him the family don’t end in blood (or begin there) speech about HIS newly discovered Mom back in 10x17, which is now pretty eerie. It looks like we’re coming up to conflict about Mary in 12x12, and her choices, and while I think there’s a very very low chance the Winchesters disown her, I do think the actual bonds of closeness between them all need to be really forged in fire through all the stupid decision making Winchesters do :P I just watched the end of season 6 yesterday, and Cas making all his stupid decisions, and Dean saying he considered Cas family to try and talk him out of it… The knock on effect of that long down the line when Dean and Cas reconcile, is a bond that’s far stronger than it was before, because it’s come through all that pain into forgiveness. 

And not to say Mary isn’t important to them because although she hasn’t been in their lives, the comparison to Rowena is obviously nothing like how Mary was to her sons when she was alive and they were small… The tragedy aspect of her dying changes the way in which she wasn’t there for them and how they relate to that… It’s an emotional stake they have in each other that people literally can’t have in real life so the melodrama attached is very heightened and weird… Anyway, the way Mary has been written in the past, to go right back to episodes like Home, shows a huge sacrifice and love for her sons, so though she hasn’t had many chances in the narrative, their one encounter with the “real” her in the whole story before season 12, she did one of the big Winchester sacrifice plays out of love for them, so though she doesn’t remember it, in a way I would suppose to them it seems like she has been tested and her true self demonstrated to them in a way that would make them very happy to accept Mary as-is, as both blood and someone who would earn their total respect and trust, even taking the tragedy and subsequent canonisation of Mary aspect out of it.

Buuut yeah while Mary has been this constant presence in the show, Cas HAS physically shown up for them more… I don’t wanna get into points scoring or saying who is more deserving because they both have very different relationships to the brothers, and they have been put in the narrative in a neat sort of parallel to each other walking a similar path but with their own baggage, and the direct parallel in 12x03 of how they felt about belonging started this off. The narrative is therefore treating them as equals both needing to come to the same place and feel the same way in SOME ways, about belonging and finding a family (and they’re doing it with each other as well as bonding with Sam and Dean which is great because the family dynamic will work best with all 4 of them sharing love in all directions)… But it all needs to be tailored to the ways they’re approaching it. To take that 10x17 speech again, Cas is “family don’t end in blood” and Mary is “but it doesn’t start there either” and they’re working through those two extreme opposite ends of the mantra side by side, so in moments like this, it’s demonstrating where we’re at with this. (Mary seems to find some belonging but now is desperate to protect her family even more; Cas’s actions not just here but in the speech after killing Billie, clearly paint him as an outsider looking in, and admiring “the Winchesters” while not feeling like a part of the family unit - the three standing together and him addressing them)… This is not the end of this arc by a long shot, so while Sam and Dean are relatively stable and when it comes to THEIR relationship absolutely a fluid duo who move and think together (have they EVER been this good?) Cas and Mary have been thrust to extreme ends of their approach to belonging right now… 

So I think to compare them by how much history they have with the Winchesters is a bit one-sided whichever character you are favouring, because these stories are parallel lines on the same emotional quest, and you need to consider both to understand the other. I don’t think it’s really a competition for family? Cas’s found family side is equally a valid part as Mary’s blood relationship but to reconcile both to the core family unit has to deal with the issues of both, which from Cas’s perspective is Mary having less history but easier acceptance into the family and from Mary’s perspective is reconciling being in this family by blood with properly feeling herself as part of the family unit with the same bonds that the forged in fire found family relationships have - in 12x03 her problem is she’s feeling like an outsider because “her” family is babies and married to John, not two gruff hunters and their angel. She HAS the blood connection and it seems to give her an “in” but she’s struggling so much with what is “more” than that. 

… I hope this rambling makes any sense and maybe makes you feel better about whatever’s going on here. I definitely don’t think the show is betraying its age old mottos about family that I assume would make it so appealing when you have a lot of found family. 

[roodiaries]

Sydneyside

Foreword: This blog post is divided into sub-sections to make it seem less long ;)

Residing on Sydney's North Shore: The Compartment Life

I arrived back in Sydney in late January 2017 with a vague resolve to get a house, job, girlfriend, life, etc. on a nice comfy, non-committal, short-term basis. I haven't spent more than a year in one accommodation since I was 18 in fact.

House was the first objective, even before a guarantee of a stable income and some rapidly dwindling funds, post-Asia/East Coast travel. I spent a week of searching high and low for an affordable place with my own room and not in the back end of beyond. I visited numerous dull-sounding (and looking) suburbs, such as Lidcombe, Ashfield, Arncliffe and Auburn. I did also check one out in Woolloomoolloo. That would have been a cool place to call home, and Russell Crowe lives there!

I settled for a shared-room in the north shore suburb of Willoughby, and sacrificed my single-room agenda because there was a giant partition in this room (a deal-breaker and meaning I had privacy and my own corner), and the room-mate seemed a good fit: a shift-working nurse from The Philippines named Andrew, and not a major party guy. The 'landlord' – actually renting out the place himself and sub-letting it to us – was a Korean wing-chun instructor called Sam who worked in the studio area at the front of the house, but lived elsewhere with his family. There was also a single room near ours, where a guy from Taiwan called Dean was staying. I regret not hanging out with those three more often, but our schedules clashed and everyone was always busy. In 5 months (before Dean left), we managed to eat dinner together a total of once! The lack of a communal area or large kitchen kind of prevented much socialising anyway, and I mostly just saw Andrew (but even sharing a room, I wouldn't see him for up to a week at a time). It was functional and comfortable, but not social.

Pullman Prestige

I got a job at the Pullman Sydney Hyde Park Hotel in the Food & Beverage Department in late February. Like my apartment and car, I found the job on Gumtree – the perennial lifesaver! I immediately loved the job, and it was certainly my favourite one so far in Australia. I ended up staying the entire 6 months that I was permitted with the WH visa. I liked the prestige of wearing a tie and uniform at work, and being in a fancy, air-conditioned establishment right in the heart of the city. It was my first taste of hospitality, and I particularly enjoyed the team atmosphere, with staff bonds forged via countless high-pressure stressful-but-funny situations,

e.g.:

Having just two hours to transform two rooms, including the main events room from a day conference into a giant dinner party complete with dance floor, stage, hypnotists and countless decorations, while trying to manage the three-inch high flood of reeking viscous sewage in the pantry next door

Anzac Day when every room was full with lunch events and tonnes of staff were needed (getting paid double-time = $49 per hour), listening to stories of veterans and their relatives (but later that day I was in the wars myself when I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle!)

Numerous sports teams (AFL and NRL) eating relentlessly and drinking unstoppably, and all the constant clean-ups and late-night stays; listening to their conversations was surprisingly boring

When outlandish day-conference guests and clients rampaged illegally through the uncleaned, bombshell-like pantry and store-rooms, clambering dangerously over furniture

Being behind the pop-up bar during massive rushes, and having my first exposure to lemon and lime bitters (which I learned to make), as well as pouring techniques for wine and beer

The classic 'no cutlery or glasses ready' scenario right before a big event and the rush to find everything with not enough staff or time, making do with the wrong types

Lorenzo not getting along with the rest of the staff, tickling you while you carried stuff and refusing to do the vacuuming because it was beneath him! “Not the hero we deserve, nor the one we need.” But also a legend in his own right

Mardi Gras night in March – our hotel was the starting point for the whole half-a-million-strong parade: as extravagant floats passed by, we served drinks and canapes to numerous drag queens and divas (with requests including putting a sausage roll between their boobs, “can I take you home tonight?” and much more, producing plenty of awkward laughter and lack of a clever response from myself)

Arguments with the narky banquet chefs: “where's your supervisor!?” Plenty of tut-tuts if you couldn't carry three plates or were not on time, but all good fun in the end (I think)

Some shifts in breakfast or room service: plenty of awkward customer exchanges – e.g. saying “have a good day!” and then finding they were just getting up to get food; trying to choose between saying “you're welcome,” “that's OK,” “no problem” and “no worries,” and then mixing them up: “that's no worries, welcome!” Also when the owners of the building were in town, and I took away the coffee of Wong Kan Seng, the former Deputy Prime Minister of Singapore, before he was finished (almost died of mortification); and some good times there too, especially working with Joshua (the only other Englishman who also started on the same day as me), as well as Steve or Anne Sophie in room service

Particular mention goes to the banquets team I worked with the most: Bibek with his sudden high-pitched voice when speaking to customers (“room service”) and the infamous brown bag; Jess, the Aussiest girl in the hotel who always helped me out patiently while never taking shit from nobody; the supervisor Jona who hired me, taught me the ropes and was always keen for after-work beers; Guthrie with his laid-back attitude and film chats; and management trainee Sy whose random soundbites echo in my head to this day (“get to the choppers,” “OK team, it's show time,” “time to disappear”), always facilitating an atmosphere of fun and nonsense in the face of some overwhelming shifts.

Since I still work for the same company in a different location right now, I won't bitch too much, but plenty of staff at Pullman Sydney were not happy and began quitting over various issues, including management and lack of shifts. Money often seemed to be favoured over staff (or customers for that matter) with shifts regularly cut and annoying initiatives to upsell more stuff (the guests don't want a bloody extra croissant, leave them alone FFS). Lack of sufficient staff for a shift was also a constant blight, but in general you had a lot of freedom and variety working in banquets, and were often given considerable responsibility, and the experience was definitely a positive one.

A Brief Commentary of Sydney as a City

Overall, I like Sydney a lot. I prefer it to Melbourne, Canberra and definitely Adelaide. However, it’s a city of two halves. On the one hand, you have the dingy, dull, congested, prosaic, worn-out, uninventive, crappy, commercial-and-business-dominated city centre, which has a surprisingly high East Asian population (it feels like 50% Asian, not that that’s a bad thing; just unexpected). On the other hand, you have the stunning Sydney Harbour & Parramatta River (together known as Port Jackson) with its unending bays and natural/man-made sights; and the relaxed coastal suburbs with further wondrous views west over the city and east out to the vast Pacific Ocean. Public transport is second to none, and the Opal card makes travelling relatively cheap and convenient (by bus, train, tram and boat). Going out is expensive, but there are always cheaper hidden places, and happy hours provide good value for money: the beer and bars improve exponentially when you escape the CBD. Like much of Australia, it feels very suburban, middle-class and family-oriented: sometimes a little too clean and organised for my tastes (though I never visited notorious parts like Blacktown or Mount Druitt). It also has access to some incredible nature and national parks in all directions. It’s somewhere I’m glad I lived, but not somewhere I particularly need to live in the future. It lives up to the hype in many ways, but from my perspective, it can’t match the major European cities for history, architecture, food or atmosphere.

Social Life a.k.a The Pub & A Few Other Things

I had three main friends outside of work: Tatjana and Eisen from my farm work days in Renmark, and Mark from my uni exchange in Singapore. I spent many sessions out in Sydney's array of bars: those at Circular Quay and Darling Harbour which were pricier but had wondrous views while imbibing copious schooners of sweet wholesome 'cold ones'. These included but were not limited to the Bavarian Bier Cafe (lovely German beers for $5 at happy hour), Pontoon, Sweeney's, Hotel Harry's, Lord Roberts, The Clock, The Palace Hotel, Bald Rock Hotel and all other bars in Balmain (where Mark lived and our favourite suburb, full of homely pubs). I was sad when all three of them left in June/July.

I don't want to try and seem cool by boasting about drinking sessions (I could never claim to be cool), but I did not do a lot else outside of work: this was due to the physical and mental toll some of the long shifts (especially night ones) took on me, leading to a reluctance to do any other exercise, and the unpredictability of my schedule meaning I couldn't reliably sign up to many social clubs. However, I did get out and about to enjoy some fantastic city walks along Sydney's coastal suburbs: Botany Bay, Spit Bridge to Manly, Bondi to Coogee, the Royal National Park, and the Blue Mountains to the west. I also enjoyed a four-day holiday in April to Queensland to visit Fraser Island, the world's largest sand island and a natural adventure playground full of intriguing rainforest, a highway on the beach, sea swimming pools, freshwater perched lakes, and lots of dingoes.

In addition, I occasionally worked for my Romanian friend Costi, who helped people move house in his spare time. One extremely memorable, epic job was during the hottest day of the Australian summer, when it was a ridiculous 43ºC in February: we drove 3 hours over the Blue Mountains to the town of Bathurst to help a Bangladeshi family move to Sydney; their new apartment had several flights of stairs which we had to carry everything up by hand, sweating profusely in the mean time; then we had to drive back to Bathurst (so 9 hours of driving that day) because the neighbour also wanted to use our van to move house, so we slept on his mattress, then woke up very early and began packing his stuff into the van. His furniture was way too big, so we had to drive to Sydney with half of it, unload it, and then drive back again to Bathurst, pack the rest and unload again at his new house, finishing at about 6am on Monday morning. It was a full 48-hour working weekend, including 18 hours of travelling and a great deal of physical work: I would name it as one of the hardest, most intense single shifts I've ever done. However, it was made a lot more enjoyable by the company of Costi, who drove the whole time, never bitched or complained and maintained a calm, good-natured demeanour throughout the weekend, making it feel like a doable team effort for which I was well-compensated. A legend and a role model, that's for sure.

Riding the Bus

A boring topic to write about in my blog, but taking public transport on average twice per day over 7 months in Sydney provides one with a window into a city's soul. I loved crossing the Sydney Harbour Bridge every day to and from work or social events, basking in epic sunsets and sunrises over the incredible Sydney Harbour while jamming to the classic tunes (see Crossing the Bridge playlist below for details).

-The time the bus driver didn't know how to get to the Harbour Bridge because of roadworks and shouted to the passengers at large to ask for directions!

-The time the driver yelled at a guy to come to the front because he supposedly hadn't tapped on his Opal card, but it turned out that he had: the incident had a tense racial undertone because he was the only black guy on the bus...

-When the driver of the last bus of the night couldn't pull up at the last stop before the bridge due to taxis obstructing the stop; a girl was waiting and screaming desperately for him to stop – and even I (Captain Quiet On Public Transport) – shouted to the driver to stop somewhere! He didn’t.

-The drunken night bus back to Artarmon after a late shift: two guys that had just met for the first time, the younger, cockier and skinnier of whom constantly disagreed bluntly with everything the much older, bigger guy said, leading to a confrontational end to the conversation (this journey was always followed by an unpleasant 25-minute uphill walk through the lost lonely suburbs where not a soul stirs and spider webs hang over the path ready to snag an unsuspecting face passing through).

Thanks for taking the time to read,

Scroll down for photos and previous blog posts,

Oliver